AudAciOus

Pit

2012-02-11T21:32:00.000-08:00

There was a period of time, I found myself in a bottomless pit. Vicious cycles of self-blame/pity. There were moments of asking God, with prayers bouncing up to ceiling and disappear into thin air. There were moments of envy, anger, frustration, and desperation... where I craved for the approval of being accepted, being acknowledged, being treated genuinely. Days-to-weeks-to months of unreasonable mood fluctuations, to a point I questioned my presence on earth. Times when I felt the closest friends, parents, and my social support network couldn't help nor listen or even be there for me.

I asked God, "Where are you, will you listen to me, can you change me for the better?"

It wasn't a day miracle. I don't have Abraham's faith that can move a mountain. But I learnt that, the pit that I've landed into... the only way to climb back up is to look unto him. It may be hard, humanly is impossible, but with HIM, things are possible, because I have a Great God.

Still developing my faith, still in the process of healing,and in the process of transformation.

Can 2012 be a year of Celebration?Yes. ~~I think~~. It will. Because I now know, God is walking the battle with me. Amen.

31st Jan

2012-01-31T01:20:00.000-08:00

Brief Summing up of January...

Had an awesome Chinese New Year Celebration.

Trying to develop new skills such as

Baking wasn't as easy as I thought, is all about techniques and knowledge about ingredients. Well, gardening seriously tests my patience. But, is a good try.

Research on my thesis, not everything went smoothly, there are redo-ing, reconstructing, and reconsidering.

And, I actually exercise! Hoping for abs yo!

Ok, I don't want to backslide in my Christian life. Is time for devotion. More updates to come. :D

Press on

2012-01-20T07:25:00.000-08:00

Lamentations: 14 - 20

I became the laughingstock of all my people;

they mock me in song all day long.
^{¹⁵ He has filled me with bitter herbs}
and given me gall to drink.

¹⁶ He has broken my teeth with gravel;

he has trampled me in the dust.
^{¹⁷ I have been deprived of peace;}
I have forgotten what prosperity is.
^{¹⁸ So I say, “My splendor is gone}
and all that I had hoped from the LORD.”

¹⁹ I remember my affliction and my wandering,

the bitterness and the gall.

^{²⁰ I will remember them,}

and my soul is downcast within me.

^{²¹ Yet this I call to mind}

and therefore I have hope:

²² Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.
^{²³ They are new every morning;}
great is your faithfulness.
^{²⁴ I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;}
therefore I will wait for him.”

²⁵ The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,

to the one who seeks him

Jeremiah a bible character in this context pretty much was in a depressed state due to what he was facing in the earlier chapters, but he came to a realization that he has the choice to either stay in that pit hole, or climb out of it.

"Yet this I call to mind" depicted that Jeremiah decided to seek the Lord whom he knew will never fail him. Seek in my opinion is to look or search for something intentionally. That was Jeremiah decision. Regardless of what he was facing, he placed his trust upon the Lord.

Is pretty much like a race, you've run half a mile barefoot. Your feet are sore, but the finish line is just so near. You do have a choice, Jeremiah has a choice - To stay or To carry on. The choice is your attitude, how you respond to the situation. Continue to run barefoot to finish the race doesn't mean the pain you experienced on your feet goes away, is just simply means that you don't give up. You finish the race with dignity and God's strength to carry on.

Learn to let loose in life, even though it seems weird, at least you know you enjoy your very own moments.

Remembering His Awesomeness

2012-01-15T20:39:00.000-08:00

When you look at his wonderful creation, you can't help but to notice that if He can take into account in drafting and create such wonderful scene, surely, my life will be carefully handle by Him as well.

Remembering Faith like a mustard seed.

Sometimes, I am too caught up in my own problems, and I often fail to notice there are others who faced much worst situations. Is always good to stop and think about how my Savior always carry me through tough situations with one step at a time. Is an important reminder that, we need to stop being too self-conscious, and see who needs help, a random act of kindness can make you and another person smile.

Stop counting worrisome things, rather count your blessings

2012

2012-01-13T09:13:00.000-08:00

The year of celebration

A Positive Start

Thank You Jesus

2011-12-14T04:15:00.000-08:00

I do admit I grumble a lot. The "best" is not good enough to settle.

Last semester, I didn't managed to sit through the remaining papers, I did... poorly. I remembered, my parents accompanied me to take my results. Opened the slip, looked at my CGPA and GPA, my dad didn't say anything.

This semester, I vowed to not let anxious feelings overwhelmed me, to start my assignments early (well, that didn't turn out great), to deal with my spine with proper care, to remember to pray, give thanks. and have more faith and not lean on my own understanding about his plans.

Well, I've made it.

I can never do it without God's peace, and yes, his guidance. I used to study eight hours a day, I can go on sacrificing my sleep, meals, I read from text books, highlight here and there, write notes, and finally the mind-maps. With all those work, I never ever actually complete the recommended readings, nor the extra time to revise. This term, I sleep minimum six hours a day, revised at least 2 times, no extra notes writing, and crazy memorizing, no 6 cups of caffeine...

Lord, without you, I can never ever, almost get 4.00. You proved me nothing is impossible. Lord, forgive me if I grumbles and not thankful about how mercy you are towards me.

I am indeed grateful for my therapist who helped me to go through the abusive memories, sought out the few causation of months of panic attacks, the doctor that help me in monitoring and advising on how to manage my irregular palpitation, my family members that constantly care and provide support, the church members that offer countless of prayers, my friends who took care of me when I need them badly, and lastly - my beloved. Thanks for being so patient.

God, I am not greedy. I want peace for the heart, the mind, and the soul. I would love tips and advises on how to draw near to you.

Thank God.

I never will forget the days I cried out to you, You came to help a pathetic creature - me.

Message unsent

2011-11-10T23:49:00.000-08:00

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13: 6 - 7

To you:

You like to mock others, think yourself as highly seated on your imaginary throne, laughing at others calling people weird. At the extreme ends, others were laughing at your foolishness, and sympathized you because of what you went through.

Behind closed-doors you call so-&-so weird. But you didn't realize that the "weird" ones are those that silently pray for you, because they still think that you are in pain.

You redefined the word "normality", those who are not in your so-called normality, you treated them like outcast. Friend, is just a matter of time, you will be treated the same way as how you treat others.

I never hate, nor did I ever did something wrong to you. Even as others kept telling the bad things you gossiped bout others, I will still try to preserve the very good image of you in my heart.

It takes less effort to love than hate.

Study Break. Prison Break

2011-10-31T03:43:00.000-07:00

Throughout my entire sem(s), this sem's study break I am having it in my very own hostel. A place I always wish I am somewhere else and not here. Reason being? Well, I don't know. Does flooding my fear sounds reasonable to you? Maybe..

I can really feel the "label" when you take your medicine from the counter asking them to kindly refill your medicine pack for another month.

Nobody want to be a patient. Nobody want to endure stares and being mocked.

Walking through a diagnosed disorder, not only allowed me to feel how these people combat their daily life, it adds value and meaning. I believe I will walk out of it, because to me, is not a sickness, illness whatever la.. to me, is just another phase, another route for personal growth.

Lord, Save Me

2011-10-20T04:21:00.000-07:00

He became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, "Lord, save me!!"
Immediately, Jesus stretched out His hand and took him, and said to him,
"You of little faith, why did you doubt?"

Matthew 14: 30 - 31

Everyday, my heart accelerates above the normal range...
Everyday, I rush through my life to seek the meaning and purpose of life, what is there to live for...
Everyday, I walk slower than most people, I appreciate my courage to push through the pain...
Everyday, I cry out to my Savior, I seriously don't know the reason to live...
Everyday, I question how long more to be free from my chains...
Everyday, I whisper words of encouragement, hoping tomorrow will be better, something to look forward to
Everyday, I push through the constant worries, discouragements, and call on Jesus for Strength...

~~Who Am I~~ that Lord, you care to know my name and feel my hurt?
My wondering heart is searching for you... Where are you...

Is by Faith that I should continue? Walk by faith? then, teach me how to have more faith... because I don't know how to get there.......

God’s great care for his children

2011-10-19T10:32:00.000-07:00

God’s great care for his children

Anxiety, me?

2011-10-19T10:24:00.000-07:00

We often think of great faith as something that happens spontaneously so that we can be used for a miracle or healing. However, the greatest faith of all, and the most effective, is to live day by day trusting Him. It is trusting Him so much that we look at every problem as an opportunity to see His work in our life. It is not worrying, but rather trusting and abiding in the peace of God that will crush anything that Satan tries to do to us. If the Lord created the world out of chaos, He can easily deal with any problem that we have.

Fear is a powerful emotion. It shows up without warning, tends to dominate our thoughts, and does not depart quickly. But as Christians, we have an even more powerful weapon to stop anxiety from overcoming us—the Word of God.

When anxiety strikes, key truths can help us stand firm. First, remember that God is sovereign over all circumstances and people (1 Chronicles 29:11). When He decides to act, no leader, army, or nation can stand against Him. We may not understand why certain things happen, but we can know for sure that our Lord is still in control.Next, keep in mind the promise that He causes all things to work for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). Just as the Father orchestrated the events of Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection to accomplish our salvation, He also works circumstances for our good and His glory. The disciples didn’t comprehend what Jesus was telling them about the future; nor could they initially see how His dying was beneficial. But in the end, they understood that God had carried out His plan of redemption through the crucifixion and resurrection.We may be in the midst of hard times and wondering where the good is. Do not lose hope. God is sovereign and true to every one of His promises (2 Corinthians 1:20).Verses that proclaim God’s sovereignty can help us overcome fear (Psalms. 22:27-28). Studying the lives of saints like Abraham, Joseph, and the apostle Paul will remind us that God is mighty and He can use difficulties to bring about gain. As we believe His Word, our anxiety will be replaced by His divine peace (Galatians 5:22).

Adapted from http://jinu7.blogspot.com/2011/06/overcoming-anxiety.html

The Road to Recovery

2011-10-16T01:32:00.000-07:00

I never knew why I took Psychology in the first place, I think Psychology choose me instead

To those abused victims, I am very thankful for your sharing. Your testimonies brought hope into my life.

To those patients out there, your encounter with life difficulties, and how you proved to me that you are more than a conqueror, thank you... You gave me a faith to believe I can overcome it too.

To those who constantly encourage, advise, and patiently endure my tantrums, I deeply express my gratitude to you.

To those unexpressed prayers, care and love towards me, thank you. Your support is sufficient for me to carry on.

From doctors to therapist, to pastors, to so-and-so Mr/Mrs "I can help you", I am thankful that an ordinary person like me receive such great care in all your loving hands.

I believe one day, I can look back and tell others that I, too - had climbed out from my pit.

To my one and only Love - Jesus. The road to recovery has just started, I believe you will walk with me till the very end, I deeply believe that after all this internal chaos, you will embrace me at the end of my painful journey.

The sin of laziness

2011-08-01T04:52:00.000-07:00

A brief sermon on laziness (Chalan Hetherington)

Why a man is lazy, its all about the attitude, there is no fear of God before his/her eyes.
Paul says in Roman chapter 3, the wicked man does not fear God.
Matthew 25: 14, Jesus described the talents of man, he described the saved and unsaved. The wicked and lazy always act in a certain way (Do you want to act like them...)

If you really believe in Him, you would have serve him wholeheartedly. How are you serving him? What happens if he says, you are never one of my sheep... When God changes somebody, he changes the heart, and laziness is a disease in the heart. God saves us by grace, by faith..and my friend, God has saved you.

Paul reminded us to be diligent in all areas - "Not with thy service,as man pleases, but in singleness of heart, fearing God". Lack of fear of God is the primary cause of sin. Fear of God is the first step to wisdom. He knows everything, and (proverbs 6:9) lazy people sleeps too much. Sleep is a blessing, don't abuse it.

(Proverbs 26:15) Lazy person avoids work. Isn't that selfish? There is always a reason to be given to not do it. (Proverbs 20) Everybody is working, but there is always excuses to avoid job! Dont make excuses. You will be judged on Judgment Day.

Have to be discipline. Lazy people are not discipline enough. They are expert on making excuses. (Proverbs 22:13) The lazy person will make up anything that this-or-that could happen. Do you make excuses for anything?

(Proverbs 12:27) A wasteful man waste everything else. A typical marks of the lazy person, are you taking care of what God given you? They don't have alot money, but they took care of everything God given them.

(Proverbs 21-24). The lazy man only wants people to give it to them, and laziness itself bring shame! (Proverbs: 10)

As a result of diligent, you will be prosperous. Even though you labour hard, and at times your work are not rewarded. God will reward you. Most rewarding thing is clear conscience, because you've done your best, God knows it, and you can sleep soundly. Work and sleep is a gift. Are you abusing it?

Whatever thing you do, do it in the glory of God.

Laziness is not a habit, is a sin where the Heart is not right with God, you need to repent, confess your sins, are you loving him enough to do your best?

Are you born again? Living for yourself, or for God? How much you owe him? You owe him everything. Seek him, He will be found.

The destiny for the lazy ones, yes, God will judge you, laziness is not saved salvation.. not perfectly, but when he saves somebody, he changes everything, is overtime, a process...This where you can look back, and say you've changed.

Who knows the power of his anger? Can I move forward, am I able to change for the better?

With Him, all things all possible. Amen.

Rat Maze

2011-07-12T01:31:00.000-07:00

Like a lab rat, running in a maze to find an open door. Searching endlessly and thinking whole night long, "when is this going to end?" "what can I do about it?"
You press all the buttons, hoping that "This will be the last torturous feeling I've endured".
Some buttons are just not that nice, at times you get zap, you question yourself... "Why?"

Well..at times you get something nice, and you think to yourself that

"Perhaps I am going out soon"

Running in a maze, and you wonder "How on earth I ended up here...."

The little rat prays.. hoping that the Mighty Hand reach out to save her out of the maze that she created in her mind.

Lets see what life is offering the little rat....

The little rat seeks help.. and that is the first step to recovery...

The little rat has strength to carry on because of HIS AWESOMENESS...

The little rat wants a happy-ending...this time...is for herself...

There is nothing to be afraid, right?

Life will not ask any question whereby Faith can't answer..

No more tears, lets move on.

Dear Heart

2011-07-12T00:36:00.000-07:00

Who is going to save me now?

:(

2011-06-28T10:06:00.000-07:00

Why I feel so heart-broken?

Sad

and a mixture of emptiness

Inhale ... Exhale

2011-06-25T01:19:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I can't believe I've made it through all four semesters. *Praise the Lord*

I remembered the times I didn't sleep for a day or two to rush assignments

The exam period where anxiety suffocated me

The days where I couldn't get out of bed to face reality

Moments of nervous breakdown

Trips to clinic

I can never say enough of Thank-You to my Mighty Creator, my family and friends & er-hmmm (>//3//< ) not to mention, teachers who prayed along and provide assurance that I will be fine..Thank you all for being there for me.

Truly God is great, I am proud to boast of my Creator, because I truly feel his presence whenever I am at my weakest point, especially at the edge of giving up. I never realized the fragility of human mind can be a powerful tool and misleading....to believe the power of ending or sustaining your very own life.

Up to till this point, I believe I am cured. I am not being naive, nor living in denial. Just like the Christian saying..."Live by faith, not by sight". The best medicine is knowing HE is in control. Amen :D

Argh.. I seriously miss my long hair!

Next aim: Grow my short hair. Ugh~ :(

2nd aim: Get nice figure (The one that make people go boom boom pow~)

3rd aim: Get good grades! This is a MUST throughout the semesters

4th aim: Change for the better. There is always room for improvement. Better do some planning~ and also MUST be according to His Will.

5th aim: Press on no matter what! Never give up!!

6th aim: Be open and relax! God is in control~

7th aim: THE MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL~ Be faithful and trust HIM

Oooooowooooh~ So long since I've blogged. Lalalala~ time to prepare for church~ yipee!
Love ya My Savior. Sugar-sugar-rushy-droopy-happy~ wheeee~ How Great Thou Art~ :D

Spilling out my inner feelings

2011-06-02T05:50:00.000-07:00

I don't like people to touch my belongings without asking.
I prefer you to ask even though you know that I will surely let you have it.

I don't like uncertainty, things which are beyond my control - it freaks me out.
But, knowing God is in control, I am assured.

I don't like being alone.
But I do enjoy people being around me without talking to me.

I don't like things with a hole in the middle. Especially donuts.
It is a sense of incompleteness.

I don't like make-up, but I do apply it (when I have the mood).
Which makes me hate my naked face when I look at pretty dolled-up girls.

I am learning to be happy.
But I don't know how to walk out from it.

Procrastinator

2011-05-11T20:16:00.000-07:00

AND I WANT TO CHANGE BADLY

Another Process

2011-05-11T10:54:00.000-07:00

14 June - I/O psychology
15 June - Statistic II and Health Psychology.

Then EXAM IS OVER. God help me!!

Hey Little Heart, you gotta stay strong! I don't want to pass out AGAIN.

My body is rather disorganized.
It all started with puking 8 times in an hour, (I am not bulimic, mind you) got my dad send me to the clinic, had my medication. The doctor said it was food poisoning...
So I thought is ok~ Went to the exam hall the next day, my friend said I look like as if I took drug. Yeap, is drug use, not abuse :D
*dizzy~ my head spinning like a G6 when I was doing my drug & behavior paper*
I went home.. rest.. took a shower.. strange....

My heart started beating very fast.. irregular beats.. Don't ask why.. I pass out few times in a day.. I think my mum freak out when she found me in the kitchen unconscious.. Not to mention, my bizarre behavior..so till now.. every now and then she checks my pulse. My dad monitors my blood pressure..

Heart attack - My dad's enemy. Is my enemy too.

Sometimes, is your body that teaches you how to live LIFE. There is adjustment and adaptation. As long as you live, there will be battles to go through. But, with GOD, anything is possible.

Every colorful pills, NO MATTER WHAT DOSAGE~ there is side effects.. for this pill to counter that side effect, for this to reduce the symptoms, blah--blah--blah...
I am not taking anymore, God controls my life, not you steeeeewpid pills! injections and more lifeless objects!!

Sadly, no more coffee or any other stimulants... boohoo~ Ms Heart, please don't pump like you are running some marathon. Is tiring! I really need to breathe...

Saturday.. O Saturday. C'mmon I need a fruitful week!

Ok.. back to my desk. I haven't finish my coloring book...

Friend

2011-05-01T03:22:00.000-07:00

Why can't you let me say good bye to you? Perhaps the fact that you and I know we won't be seeing each other anymore... so we remained silence... But thanks for all the encouragement, the guidance, the "Don't give up" teachings.

A half-played song. When the next time we meet, I will finish the other half as promised.

Frustration

2011-02-13T00:07:00.000-08:00

I really don't get it.

I don't understand.

I dislike it to the max.

I feel that is UNFAIR. Same goes to others.

I need to voice it out....

And you are going to do it, because it is your duty as well.

I am tired of your complaints, is such a small task yet you make a big fuss.

I am tired of you procrastinating, I cant believe with my extra workload, I am still able to show you what I've done.

I am tired of you....

But I know this wont be over, not just yet, not soon....

Sit tight, is a bumpy ride

For atheist and religious people

2011-01-29T22:23:00.000-08:00

If there was 100% factual written in stone proof of God's existence, then what would be the point in faith or belief? There wouldn't be any faith because you don't need it when you know for sure God is real and watching you. Instead you would live a fake life pretending to be someone your not, and try to be a goody goody person to please God and be allowed in heaven, as if you had no will of your own.

Somewhere in the bible (lol) Says God has given us free will. He wants us to exercise this free will and live your life. Its up to your own will to decide if you want to acknowledge God and have faith in him through belief, and acceptance of God, Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for the world and acceptance of the Holy Spirit.
Which you will be rewarded for and gain access to Heaven, and live eternally in happiness.

Think of this world, this life your currently living in as a big game (worldy life), YOU are the player and YOU are also, the one who influences the storyline. (free will)
Keep in mind this game has a Creator (God) and There is 2 versions of gameplay to play the game.

As you play the game of worldy life you learn and experience life and events and teachings, then later down the walk, you stumble upon Two identical paths except for one key difference, religion and ..logic? (w/e athiests want to declare your perspective)

Say you choose religion, you accept the creator of the board game (God) and as you walk along the board game you reach confusing spots, you ask the creator for help because after all, he created the entire game although theres no way to prove that he did. You believe in him and have faith in him and continue to pray for guidance and help. Your gameplay has a chance to improve or worsen. As you continue to play you come across a boss fight (something you dont want, like STD or some tragedy) and you have BELIEF in God that he has your back, and ask for help (praying) You get no clear response basically as if you didnt even pray. That is where your faith comes in (power boost) and so you defeat the boss or you dont. But you used faith to get through it, As the fight ends you have a choice you can say screw it you didnt help me, or take things in an optimistic approach and continue playing the religious version, keeping your faith, belief, acceptance.

As you play you continually go through boss fights (hardships) and confusing brain teaser roadblocks puzzles (testing faith in God) So then you finally make it to the end, and you finally beat the game! the RELIGIOUS VERSION. Then after the credits stop (death) God comes and decides to reward you for keeping faith, belief and acceptance in him and says "good game, step into my bonus stage (heaven) and have access to all the cheat codes of the game [(invinciblity) = eternal life] and be happy"

Now Athiest / pure logic / pure facts Version

As you play the game of worldy life you learn and experience life and events and teachings, then later down the walk, you stumble upon Two identical paths except for one key difference, religion and atheism.

Say you choose atheism, you dont acknowledge / accept the creator of the board game (God) because God doesn't want to prove his existence, and as you walk along the board game you reach confusing spots, you research for help because after all, You denied God who, may or may have not created the entire game because theres no way to prove that he did. You use worldy logic and scientific facts to figure out the puzzles that have a true or false answer. Your gameplay (Answers) has a chance to become truthfull or false. As you continue to play you come across a boss fight (something you dont want, like STD or some tragedy) and you have facts that your strategies will have your back, and research (codes )to beat the boss.. That is where your rely on logic (power boost) and so you defeat the boss or you dont but you use your logic to get through it. As the fight ends you have a choice you can say dam logic pwns, or research more to prepare for other boss fights (wordly troubles prevention) continue playing the Atheism version, keeping your logic, facts, science/theories.

As you play you continually go through boss fights (hardships) and confusing brain teaser roadblocks puzzles (proving your facts truthful) So then you finally make it to the end, and you finally beat the game! the ATHIEST VERSION! as the credits stop (death) you get a game over. and that is all.

Although my example might not have been clear, I rewritten it simply for people who dont really get what I really meant to say.

My point is that the worldy game has 2 versions, religion and atheism. Choose to accept the creator of the game, or not. The storylines are actually identical, the only true difference is the ending the outcome.

If you accept the creator of the game (GOD), at game over God deems you worthy and says I know you,you accepted that I am real. and he will grant you an extra life and let you continue in a perfect game (heaven) afterall he made the game he can do whatever. (this is assuming your religious and believe in the afterlife)

If you deny the creator of the game (GOD) because he will not prove his existence, you turn to science/facts/theories (your game wasnt created by god but by procreation (intercourse) and at the end of the game, GOD may or may not come to you (you dont know because theres no proof) God might say, "who are you? you denied my existence so I will deny yours as well good bye" and off to hell you may or may not go (theres no proof) and since there is no God nothing happens for you after you die, or go to hell w/e of which. (since theres no proof we dont know)

In any case just enjoy the game as you play it (live life) and pick the version (playstyle) you prefer.

(A review from http://www.basilmarket.com/forum/1870814/16)

Just plain reading.

Bobo Doll

2011-01-25T12:38:00.000-08:00

I wish I can help you by painting a picture the choices you've made. Every decision leads to a series of action which can impact others.
I wish I can make you happy
I wish I can be a better person for you
I wish I can absorb all the negative thoughts in your mind and channel it elsewhere
I wish I can turn back the time where you are who you are, not what you are now
I wish I can teach you to count your own blessings so that you feel contented
I wish I can teach you to value life

Life don't walk away by its own, you choose to walk out from it.

I just want to tell you, I am not a bobo doll. I cant always bounce back up and give you a smile when you keep pushing me down. A bobo down has its own limits. It will go through a process called deflation.

I love you, don't walk out of my life. Is it too late to ask?
You place me here, now you are leaving me..... why?

Fantasy Ecstasy

2011-01-13T08:51:00.000-08:00

Fantasizing is not the same as dreaming nor the same as random thoughts. When you dream, you just imagine the situation you are in and what you are doing. Random thoughts are more of a what if(s). Fantasy, are more wild, extreme, to the point it can become some sort of bizarreness.

I love fantasizing. In that world, no restriction, no limits, no rules, no stress. A world without denials, without if only(s) but a world of I CAN.

In reality, you fight the impossible(s) to make it achievable, you constantly battle against rejections and acceptance. If the world is like a fantasy, wouldn't it be an Ecstasy? No boundaries, no worries, is just you detached from reality, watching how the world operates based on the Rules and Regulation, (where is the freedom to express your opinion?), Limits and Boundaries (How can one fully realize one own's full potential and capabilities?).

We created laws to control people, and we are controlled by laws.

January is like Genesis

2011-01-06T10:20:00.000-08:00

This year is not a resolution, rather its a transformation.

Last year, the road was extremely bumpy. I cant change the past, but I can alter the present so it can change the future.
These are Some of the 2010

I didn't know I...

suffered from chronic stress until I puked, tummy cramp, lost appetite, experienced irregular heart beats and swelling of bones.
studied extremely last minute (today start, tomorrow enter exam hall)
can survive with two weeks of purely different brands of instant noodles
can have a relationship ongoing for a year or so (I am glad to have you)
could imitate Michael Jackson (it was a lousy performance, but I am proud to grab imaginary balls)

I hope I can

absorb like a sponge during lectures
have a healthy balanced lifestyle
not be doubtful of myself and others
learn to forgive those who unintentionally and intentionally hurt me physically and mentally
go to toilet everyday without having bowel movements difficulty
spend more time with the person I love
grow spiritually incline to God
earn more money and invest in bust treatment
SCORE AND ACE ALL MY SUBJECTS (I can do it !)

The hope can become a reality if I believe... and transform it into action. That is why is a transformation rather than resolution. Transform within is the beginning.

Will this year be a good year? Yes, it will, because The Lord is Always there for me for He will not forsake me.

Mist

2010-12-08T03:45:00.001-08:00

I walked along the slippery path - with confident, I won't fall, because you are leading the way. Each familiar organisms such as trees, herbs, bushes, grasses, vines, ferns, mosses, and green algae caused me to be amazed of how these organisms survive with such fine details. Everybody put their belongings aside and enter the icy cold water while I sat down hesitating whether I should join them... splashing cold water nearby the waterfall? What if I fall? What if I join and still feel left out? What if I have chronic backache? What if.... whatever...

You will be alright, go on… you won't fall. Is that my inner thoughts, or God's assurance?

I can't differentiate it, but step-by-step and I've made it.

Freezing cold, super cold, superbly cold... trying to adapt to the temperature... and... *SPLASH*...*MORE SPLASH*...
WATER FIGHT, I laugh until I tears... the water or perhaps the tears blur the vision.. not because they are ~~having fun~~ bullying me, rather it is a sense of appreciation, that I am able to experience God's wonderful creation. Luckily mum don't know I am here! (ofcoz i kena scolding after I came home)

Not long, the coldness like sharp arrows piercing through my spine. No longer cold, but piercing pain, with a little prayer... it went off (for awhile) I think is a wise decision to leave.

I climbed up the rocks, sat alone and watched them play. Sitting on rough and uneven surfaces torture my nike-shaped tailbone. I need BEYONCE buttock!!! then perhaps I wont feel pain. :)

"Life is like a mist, is incomplete, shapeless, unpredictable, but you can choose to see it as a complete picture, leaving the whole view a mystery. Somehow, the mist is a secret between God… and me. The mist, like love, plays upon the heart of the hills and brings out surprise of beauty... how I wish... there are no worries in relationships. The mist, like flocks of trooping sheep, cloudily drifted here and there, determined by God alone. Sometimes, the mist in reality blurs my vision, I struggle to see what is beyond, until the soft wind carries me further and further away ... I no longer see what is behind the view."

I know what you are trying to say to me

Your presence, your voice, no doubt is from YOU, but give me some time to learn.

Warm... nice warm feeling. The joints of my toes no longer feel pain… the numbness gradually went off…as well as the pain intensity of my back. Alone, eating my Pringles, capturing the mist as a mental image, giving thanks to Him above… Oh look, he is coming to eat my Pringles.

I hope I forget what you’ve just said: “After you say I ignore you, so I teman you lo”. Rather I wish that you come to me not because I would complain.

Today, you held my hand; I gripped it tightly… because I learn more than ever to love the person who first loves me. Promise you won't let go? is hard isn't it?

Mist - I am captivated by you. You appear before my eyes blurring the partial view of the scene, yet with your presence the scenery is still so beautiful. What are you trying to tell me?

I am an Actor

2010-11-26T08:24:00.000-08:00

Replay…Pause…Replay…Pause…Should I delete this? I think I will keep this message, because there will be a day, I am going to press the “play” button and show it to you that – I’ve made it.

The story isn't over until the final chapter has been written. (WINKS)

I used to grumble and complain all the time about things happened around me (I still do, but I think is lesser now). I wish I had more: brains, easy lives, millionaire inheritances, academic ability, friends, money, status, food, cars, branded goods... the list goes on, never-ending.
I cried, I cursed, I whined and stressed over “What-ifs” and “if onlys”, I wouldn’t let go of what had already happened. The past cannot be rewrite, but what is in the present can be manipulated and affect the outcome of the future, isn't it? Why am I being haunted by things I did in the past? Then, I think... wouldn’t life be much simpler if we focus on what we can do and can achieve?People seem to be more interested in the drama generated in their lives and prefer to sit, watch and whine, rather than do anything at all to improve their situations. Like spectators, people sideline reality and instead of being productive, they watch and complain, indulging themselves in questions such as "what if?" or statements that include "if only".
The more we spectate our own lives, the more we add to our stress. Life is already complicated enough, why make it more complicated by telling yourself that it's complicated?
So stop watching your lives go by and get workin' on it! Simple steps. Baby steps. One at the time (So...Ms Unconscious, please note that down)

I am trying my best to be a better person.

A place called here

2010-11-23T07:48:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, people can go missing right before our very eyes. Sometimes, people discover you, even though they've been looking at you at the entire time. Sometimes, we lose sight of ourselves when we're not paying enough attention.

We all get lost once in a while, sometimes by choice, sometimes due to forces beyond our control. When we learn what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself. Sometimes we see the way out but wander further and deeper despite ourselves; the fear, the anger, or the sadness preventing us returning. Sometimes we prefer to be lost and wandering, sometimes it's easier. Somtimes we find our way out. But regardless, always, we are found.

Searching for my best friend - Happiness

2010-11-14T12:25:00.000-08:00

I can see you that you are drifting away from me.

I am blocking out all the rumors about you.

I touch the dusty bear I gave you. I held it tightly and wonder.. "Dear bear, are you as lonely as I am?"

I saw the the scrapbook I made for our anniversary, tucked under a stack of FHM magazines. Personal messages are no match for Attractive figures.

I put aside the To-Do-List with You, because I know this will only be a repetition of what you've done..

I gently put on the backsupport, no longer patches because it causes my skin to peel.I hope one day, we can go swimming together...as long as the chlorine dont burnt my skin..

I wore my sportshoes at home, luckly it still fits, I hope one day we play sports together, but who would want to play pass-the-ball with a half OKU?

I made a kite with an A4 paper with few satay sticks, I tied it to a string, lying on my bed, I wonder how it feels to really fly a kite.. I browsed through your pictures.. I wish I was there to share that moment with you.

Is time to take chinese medicine, I convinced myself that this bitter thing is like the Guai Lin Go we ate way back then at some shop in SS2, at least it brings back the sweet memories, it wont taste so bitter...

I learnt not to complaint, I realised it was only me who wants things to be done just the way it used to be..
I learnt not to ask so much from you, you like your own preferences anyway...
I learnt to smile and swallow my own tears, because.. it was only me who is trapped in my own shadow.

I am afraid... but I had to move on.. I must get out from my little comfort zone..I need to search for my best friend, Happiness. She is lost somewhere out there...

I need to find her, but how? Because I am lost too.....

White Ceiling

2010-10-15T19:27:00.000-07:00

I lie down on my bed, staring at the white ceiling, and count backwards from 100....

"You can come for treatment only once in a month". ~~This statement was the best gift I ever had.~~

"I am sorry, you need to come at least once in every two weeks. Manipulating the bones is not enough, you would need two other types of treatment as well".

"For how long?"

"We will see how you progress, your back cant adapt on its own"

I lie down on my mum's bed... waiting for minutes to pass. I am going for my injection.

Stupid painkillers. You betrayed me. I thought your dosage is high enough to avoid that stupid jap.

Backache, throbbing and stabbing pain. So intense. Numb knees. My joints hurt. My stomach cramp. I cant reach for my bag of pills. Silly me, I forgot to take some of the medication on time.

Then again, I am grateful. At least I had my first and perhaps my last game of footsal.

The running, jumping, dribbling, passing, kicking... sounds silly, but it feels damn good. That little footsal match, everybody went wild to grab hold of the ball, while I was experimenting and celebrating my little improvement.

"Tim, the ball ! Get it.." Blah~ who cares...I am in my little world. I smiled to myself. "Look God, I am running, look Father, I can dribble." It was the shortest moment to experience all these, before my joints start to ache, my back slowly feels the pain, my knee starts to numb.

Now, here I lie... staring at the white ceiling. I wont cry no more. Why should I? I know there will be one day I can be free of all these. No more vomiting, no more aches and numbness, no more ugly wounds.. no more peelings..no more holes..

I may not run as I used to, but I can run by faith....

With faith, a little miracle, I will be healed.

Assignments? now what.

2010-10-10T00:36:00.000-07:00

My ASSIGNMENTS are OVER. FINAL EXAM is coming.

I haven't start flipping any pages of those textbooks I bought. Some I don't even remember I actually have it.

1 Nov - Statistics (What is the probability of me acing it?)

2 Nov - Memory (I can't even remember the definition of memory)

3 Nov - Adulthood

8 Nov - Sensation and Perception (I have no sense in this!)

9 Nov - Cognitive Psychology (I dont even know I have this textbook all along =P )

10 Nov - Learning (What have I learnt so far? er..... hmmmm.....)

Hello, I am Naruto, I am a Ninja~ I am learning *InidToStudy* technique.. haha....

I need to face my books, not ~~FACEBOOK.~~

Is time to move out from NEVERLAND

2010-09-14T11:36:00.000-07:00

Heard of Neverland? Have you watched Peter Pan?

Neverland - a place you will never grow up. A place where you will only see beautiful things.

I am stuck in Neverland.

The horrible truth of reality now pushing me to move out from Neverland. I am afraid.

Heard of survival of fittest? Charles Darwin stated that only the best survives and pass on desirable traits. To win, you must fight. To be OUTstanding, you must fight. To live is to fight your way out. I am not born fighter, now I am given a sword to fight life challenges, a shield and an armour to defend myself so I can continue to battle on the battlefield. I am so used to hide myself in my own little world, I only come out when is safe. Things dont work that way anymore.

I cant be ME in this world. Reality pointed out clearly that I will be wiped out. Why cant I just be ME? Why being just ME is not supported? Why even those who used to accept the way I am, asked me to change? I know part of changing can be better for me... if that is the case... sorry Little Tim, you need vanish from this world. I will miss you.

Is time to unlock the other me out from the closet. Is time YOU handle things out there, while I sit inside my little dark closet to reflect about life.

Adjustments

2010-09-08T15:51:00.000-07:00

I love this new theme so much. *Teehee* Waddya say? Still learning how to make the blog looks KooLer, tapi tak jadi. NoobNya~ Did you noticed my i-pod? kyaaaaa~ syok sendiri.

Gah~ [Looks at clock] 6am and I still can't sleep. So what did you do the whole night? ~~Study eh? Nope~~. I did nothing.

Study? Ish.. I haven't even started studying yet, is more of like reading. Read through pages, and out goes the information. Kindda stress though, cant bare to see my housemates studying almost everyday while I am so unproductive. God~ Help me!

Factors why I dont feel like studying

Facebook ! I think i need a facebook rehabilitation

The time I spent on facebook is enough for me to finish my Sensation and Perception textbook in less than 4days.

Laziness. Mum~ I wonder whether you be proud of me having a phD in procrastination.

Movies

Outings

Sleep/ Nap

Tim must now reduce all these. Time for self-modification-behavior~ Really need to work like a mad cow for Sem3.

I learnt something today, to score in a subject, you must love the subject. But how? I dont know. I am struggling to cope with all my modules. Assignments and quizzes are round the corner. Worst is EOS is coming, in less than 4 weeks. I can feel the tension already. I really need God's help.

The most recent updates bout me~

My back is feeling better. Less pain. Sometimes, the pain just strike and I cant get up or move at all. That freaks me out, but I believe through His help, I can overcome all these. So, SPORTS here I come!
My pigEE is back. Never shall we seperate again ok? If you really do, before you leave, I'll use my AK-47 and headshot you. But at the moment, I wont.
Learning some dance moves. Bueeek~ These moves are important, but I dont know how to mastered it.

Booya~ I love MJ~ ~3 Hearts

Must be productive tomorrow.

Lost clown

2010-09-04T03:28:00.000-07:00

I don't know who to talk to or where to turn to. I realized I am actually a very lonely person.

I am a clown, friends come to me because I always crack lame jokes. They laughed at the clown because of her silly actions. The clown made a wrong choice, she fell badly, life is laughing at her. She cant find a close friend to pull her up from the ground, because she don't really have any close friend, and the only friend she had was her one and only boyfriend. How many would actually know behind the happy masked face of the clown, the clown is actually crying?

You are my best friend, my partner in crime, my boyfriend - My everything.

I've made a wrong decision, I thought it was the right move. I don't know what to do. The moment our conversation ended, I wish I didn't say what I've said. I wish I could turn back time.Isn't this what I really want? Why it hurts so much? There are so many 'why(s)' in my mind. The next thing I knew, I was on my bed for quite some time. Since when? I don't know.

I wish I were a little kid again, skimmed knees are easier to fix than a broken heart.

I did not sleep. I thought crying myself to sleep will work like an insomnia pill.

How I wish I saved all the tears I cried for you and drown myself in it.Real loss only occurs when you lose something you love more than yourself.

When you said "Be Mine", I knew I was shot by the love arrow, and I feel deeply in love with you.But now, what can I do to fix things back to normal? I don't know how and where to start?

My close buddies asked me...

Do you still love him?

Yes I do.

Do you still want to be with him?

Yes I do.

Screw him la, perhaps he doesn't know you anymore, don't cry for him.

Do you know about him?
Why say things about him?
You have no rights to say things about him!

Why the hell are you defending him?

Because I still love him.

What the fuck did you do that then?

I thought he don't love me anymore.
I cant feel the passion we once had.

Did you do something about it?

Yes I did.

Like what? You idiot.

I think to myself, what did I actually did?
Did I do my best?
Somehow, the pieces of me starts tearing into smaller pieces.
I want to vanish from this world.

They asked me a different questions. They tried to cheer me up.

So...
out of all your boyfriends, which one is the best?

Ee.

What bout the characteristics you want in a boy?

I named it one-by-one.
*paused*
I can find it all in Ee

Girl, your answers don't tally what you've said.

What should I do now?
I hurt his feelings, I want to say so many things to him,
but how?
What if he hates me?

Is that the end?

I swallowed 2painkillers, 2 insomnia pills,
vomited my meals,
gasped for air several times,
stomach cramped till I lay down silently...

If it can stop all the thoughts that is running wild in my mind,
If it can stop the pain I am feeling now,
I will take in more, just to feel dead and not alive.

Thoughts

2010-09-01T08:51:00.000-07:00

I am not a thinker. I don't like to complicate my own life, but I noticed that I tend to think a lot these few days. *Don't get me wrong, is not that I don't use my brain cells to reason out things happening around me* =)

I like to think about changes in life. Things that happened, bout to happen, going to happen, might not happen, wish to happen... *Daze.... eh?! what was I thinking*

O' I found this video, is actually quite true, how many guys will think of these nowadays? Sometimes, they dont see the reasons behind things. All Boys MUST watch this! (Curse.. curse..curse..) Sometimes, certain things dont happened as you thought it was according to plan. Real love is hard to find...seriously... Promises made can never be trusted, dont put your hopes up high, when is broken into pieces... it takes time and effort to glue to pieces back... still there will be cracks. IMPERFECT

Will relationship with your partner last?

Do you dare to put your trust?

When was the last time he held your hands?

When was the last time he came all the way for you without complaints?

When was the last time..... so many....

Certain things gradually fades away...

Is there a need to voice it out? I am not thinking too much, I think about things when I realised something happened, as I've said, I dont like to complicate my life.

So Dear Life, what is next?

I am like a child, I want your attention...

I dont want it from others...

Do you understand?

Mirrors

2010-08-13T11:29:00.000-07:00

You won. You can have it all, I don't want to fight anymore. I just want to tell you that...

not all scars show, not all wounds heal, sometimes you cant see the pain someone feels.

Is pointless anyway, after I placed a plaster on it, those people will tear it open AGAIN and AGAIN. The wound will never heal, because you don't let it heal. So, why bother?

What is the point of explaining the truth? What is the point of defending yourself when you know that you won't get the answer you are hoping for?

I strived hard to meet your expectations, I pushed myself to the extreme.. What for? I am not who I am, I am just a person you want me to be. If that still doesn't please you, I don't know what to say. I want to put down the mask, and show you that... behind that silly face of mine, I am already crying desperately for help, and God will only understand what his child is going through. You like to see it in your own view, you don't seem to see it from my point of view.

Why do I need to give in? Why can't I have the things I demanded as well? We all have equal rights, I choosed to surrender mine, such a foolish act isn't it? why then? What a foolish act.

I can be alone, because I know the very least, my shadow won't betray me.

I lifted my hands up high, who can save me from this world full of lies? I extended my arms to reach up even higher, who can tell me that all these will be over, and give me a hug to tell me that everything is alright?

I looked down, I hugged myself. I know I won't be going anywhere, because... just like Gravity, the problems pulled me down.

Bye bye Little Tim, is time to grow up.

Not so understanding after all

2010-06-24T03:04:00.000-07:00

I asked my dad to pay for my sem fees. I saw him signing the cheque - RM 10400. Dad said to me, "You cost me a lot of money, better study hard". He smiled, and signed the cheque. Deep down in my heart, I knew that sum of money, he could have used it for his heart therapy.

My heart hurt even more.. when he reached out for his bottle of pills to ease his discomfort heart. I asked him, "How long will you no longer be dependent on those?". He shook his head and said:"I dont know..". I sat down quietly, waiting for him to check the documents piled up on his desk. I looked at my dad..My dad.. I was wondering, when was the last time I said "I love you, and thank you for everything".

Dad..is stronger than any person in Tim's little world.

I recalled that there was once..

I caught you using your fists to hit your chest. I was in the shop with mum, lining up to pay the bills. I saw how you tried to soothe your discomfort heart, how you were busy searching for pills, how you were frustrated because you were out of painkillers, how you were clenching your fists to hit your chest.
In that shop, my mum and I were shopping for the things that we want, but you were outside waiting in the car. You gave everything to us, but you have nothing for yourself. We used your hard-earn money for an exchange of our happiness. I then realised..How STUPID and INCONSIDERATE I was.

Today, it was my first time seeing the new place that I will be staying. It was small. (I rented a small room). But, it was way smaller than I could have ever imagined. A bed, cupboard, and a study desk already used up the space that I needed to move about. The view outside the window is not pleasant. If the room is in such condition, I think I don't need to explain to you how the toilet looks like. The apartment is empty. There are only 3 sofa, and a table for six to have a meal. The kitchen have no cooking stove. One word to describe this apartment - (UNPLEASANT)

I am a person who can adapt to changes easily, so I don't mind the surrondings. In my naive mind, I was actually visualising me making the place better. I took my dad to the place I am going to live in. He was.....DISAPPOINTED. WHY?? Is it because of my prison-like cell room?
Yes... He was very dissatisfield about the condition of the apartment.

He yelled: "There is no view outside your room! No stove! You should have continue to stay there!"
I told him: "I don't mind all these...Is cheaper here."
He yelled: "Why here, is quite a distance from uni!"
I said: "Is ok, I can take care of myself. If I go overseas, nobody is going to look out for me."
He said: "But, if you study in library, when you come home, is very dangerous!"

I tried to reassure him that I can take care of myself, but I said something that we both know..had hurt my dad's heart..

I said.... "Is not that you are having an educational fund for us, mum is not working."

Harsh...

He quite down, turned his head away and said "Up to you...Is your choice."

Dad, I am sorry. I wanted to hug him and take back what I said. I wanted to say that, giving me a better place to stay doesn't mean that I will have better grades. My grades are good because of you. I push myself to study because I dont want to see you cletching your fists and search for painkillers again.

I thought saving a lil cost here and there, you would understand..I thought that you would know that I moved out, because I cant bare to have that slight chance of loosing you to that bunch of doctors. You worked hard, and you are still working..

Is my fault for not making you proud. If I study hard, have a scholarship.. you dont need to work extra hard to pay for my debts. There are so many.. "If I.........." question is.."Am i too late?". There are scholarships available, I dont have the initiative to search for it. There are possibilities to get all A's, but I always think that That Couldn't be Me.

Lousy Daughter, that has a Great father..

"You are nothing, but a piece of junk. You weren't meant to live."
I hate to admit it, but that SOMEBODY got it right this time. I am nothing at all.........

sWiSsHh

2010-05-25T09:51:00.000-07:00

SHOUTED: "I have not watch Gerrard Butler latest movie".

These few days I went to the gym with my mum quite often. Gym?! Yes !! Can you believe it? I dont kick my ass up early in the morn to workout, I sleep! But, i was forced or rather "persuaded in a manipulative manner" by my mum. Hey, itz SI-BEI fun~ Haha.

Yoga is nice, I love the twist and turn of body postition into some weid posture! Itz very challenging.

I like cycling class! I don't need to worry about cars when I know my bike is going nowhere.

I love the Body Pump and ABT class, the tough workouts seriously can kill every muscles in ma body~

I enjoy Power Jump too! I get to jump on trampoline~ *is that how you spell it?* LOL.

Too bad, I only have 2weeks free. Signing up for gym is very expensive. Sigh~

Everyday after gym (9-11am), I would head to work at the daycare centre. From 1230pm - 7pm. Then at certain days, I would have to attend bible study classes 8pm -10pm. The remaining time, I would just bath and head to sleep.

Nice hectic lifestyle~ M loving it!

I bought few story books.

All by Cecelia Ahern

Thanks for the Memories

A Place Called Here The Book of Tomorrow

But, I trully want these books. But I cant seem to find it at the MPH bookstore. I want Jane Green's books~ sobx. Need to wait for salary..

Mr Maybe - Jane Green

To have and To Hold - Jane Green

This is By Jodi. A book about an autism boy. I would love to know how this story goes.

Oooo~ And i want this for quite some time. It would be nice to have it, but not necessary.

PS: Starting June, I am going to be a vegetarian~ only a month of coz~~ Lets see how it goes~

Teehe~ Bible study is getting more interesting~

Wahawi Maluwi

2010-05-17T03:40:00.000-07:00

*Ignore the title -- Only a person who is SOOOoooo "wuliao" can think of those meaningless words* (o>_<)o Gah~ That explained why my dear-dear said I made funny noises or sounds.. I am DIFFERENT.. woot~

Anyway..

EXAMS ARE OVER

Thats right~ I am now waiting for RESULTS.

Seriously, I don't know if I can make it through..

because I did not studied.It was a very LAST MINUTE thing. I am so FREAKING worry for my EOS results, and also my Englist Test results. Oh God, I know I've been a bad girl, but this time.

Please... GOD~

LET ME PASS WITH VICTORY,

I WILL FREAKING REMEMBER THE MISTAKES OF THE HISTORY.

The worst of not being prepared for exams, will make your brain "OUT OF ORDER". I spent sleepless nights trying to rush through the study materials.So, I can tell you.. I roughly know what I will score, because.. I did not do very well.. AGAIN GOD~ HELP ME.

OK, now... holiday \(^o^)/ Should I work, or have fun?

Work = Money

Play= Fun

To have fun, you must have money, to have money, you must work..

I think I got the answer~

Oh, Look what I found! My motivation to exercise~ *LAME EXCUSE*
Me want~ Me want~ Wuwuwuw... I want almost-drop-out-boobies~

Name: Chow Yu Mei

Height: 166cm

Weight: 50kg

Size: B86, W60, H86

Name:Li Yen Chin

I will kill to have those curve and shapes..

oH, I WATCHED THIS MOVIE WITH DEAR-DEAR..... 2HOURS LONG~ ngek-ngek~
BUT I WANT This and IP MAN*sudah malas cari gambar*~~

PS~ 10 MORE DAYS~

Midnight tears

2010-05-07T09:27:00.000-07:00

If I said.. "I am fine", I am absolutely NOT FINE.
If I said, "I dont need you", I really hope you ignore what I've said and tag along by my side to check if I am ok.
If I said.. "I want to be alone". I really want you by my side.

Tonight, I am alone..because I said all the opposite things of what I really felt in my heart. I tried to cry myself to sleep.. I cant sleep. I tried taking my mum's insomnia pills, I still cant sleep. I thought my tears will stop, but why after hours and hours.. my pillows still soaked wet. I thought I am immune to pain, but why after consuming painkillers, it still hurts.

Why?

Today, is not a very good day for me.

Let me tell youS (more than one people) this...

I dont understand why..If i made a comment about you, can u just accept it? Why do you have to deny it? You cant see your own behavior, only others are able to tell you. That is why, there will be arguments, because people just wont accept the negative side of themselves!

I dont know why some people like to assume others know everything. Well, thank YOU, if u think that I am very KNOWLEDGEABLE. If I accidentally hit you, I am sorry. How would I know that hit cause serious injury? I learnt martial arts for self-defense. Thats true, but I truly dont know how to use force to break a body's part. You never gave me a chance to explain.

Dont say things like everything you also know, just because you are way older than me, doesn't mean that you know everything I am going through. You have your own way of coping stress, and I have mine. You can drink or brag about how you cope with it, and I can cry my own way out it to cope with my stress. We are different people.

Dad.....
I hope you will recover soon. Your health problems are one after another. How can I not be worry? Just when we got so close around this year... you told me to take care of myself, because you cant guarantee your own future? What rubbish you talking? What happened to my childhood promise?
Do u need me to remind you?

What happened to my brave daddy?
The daddy that used to remind the once a little girl to be brave, because no matter what, her daddy will be there to take care of her.
The daddy that taught her to face life with a positive view.
The daddy that held his little girl to sleep when she cried after getting severe beatings for her wrong doings..
The daddy that told the little girl that He will hold her to walk through difficulties in life, because He loves her.

Well dad... U dont need to play that role anymore.... Lets switch role instead. Let me take all your pain.. let me hold your cold hands and face life bravely.

I love u dad...

New Template

2010-05-02T07:13:00.000-07:00

I shall Study Now~ Muahahah

What do you think of this template? Some functions are useless.. lol. Few more days to Finals. Wish me Luck!

Oh right! Here is it!

2010-04-27T08:44:00.000-07:00

Tim placed her phone on her study desk few minutes ago, she went down to grab something to eat, after completing her UNHEALTHY SNACKS (yes, i need a healthy diet badly, i am gaining weight), she walked up the stairs and marched towards her bedroom, she then "realised" she placed her phone at the kitchen. She went downstairs to search for her phone, after few minutes, she said: "Oh~ right! it is on my study desk!"

Yes, Tim - a person with severe short term memory. I have no idea how am I going to survive in my upcoming EOS when I have that problem.

Anyway~ I am so happy that my parents bought me one of those bags with wheels! Woot~ No more heavy backpacks~ and the chances of getting backpain will be greatly reduced! Yes!

A few days ago, I had pumpkins soup in a bread, not plate. Go and try it out at MPH at the Curve.
Soup in bread

To eat it, you gotta break it

Guess who brought me there?

They also offer soup with salads

Wanna try? Go to MPH AT CURVE :)

Yes, my little wonderful moments, but :( there are some sad ones as well. I felt that I am being taken advantage of. Being too kind, is not a good thing afterall. And there are times, when I felt that...someone whom i need the most is not there for me or just cant understand my situation. Perhaps I am experiencing mood swings, but I hope that this terrible feelings will go away..

For upcoming exams, wish me luck. Tata.

Escape? I don't think so!

2010-04-18T05:41:00.000-07:00

I am very lazy. With all the deadlines, assignments and not to mention upcoming exams, I don't know why am I being so calm and relax! Not that I am prepare, Pweeeze~ I am SOOOoooo NoT PREPARE! Like I mentioned in my early post, none of the subjects I am prepare ~~YET~~. I wonder is it because I am adapted to the amount of stress that I had faced in the past 10+ years, or I had already learned-helplessness.

Oh well, enough of that, regarding my research on Tourettes, I am so glad that I found a book that actually have a great-length of details about it. (Seriously, people should actually raise awareness regarding TS, resources that actually discuss this topic is very limited). I was actually hesitating whether to buy that book in MPH, but I couldn't care less, even if the book cost WAY BEYOND THAT I COULD IMAGINE, I bought the book without a second thought.

This book cost rm80. Yes, I know.. Please dont say: What? Pwtf?! So %@#?!*...

Well, even though there is only one chapter that I only need in my research, but in the long run, this book surely will help me to get through my degree~ *Convincing myself to feel much better? Nah~ Please dont think this way!*

On top of that, I find this book rather interesting, however, I dont think I have enough money to buy it, furthermore, exam is round the corner, I cant afford to spend the time reading it. Perhaps during my sem-break, I will earn some pocket money to buy it.

This book gives insight about autism..Thumbs Up!

There are some movies that sounds fascinating to me. But, all these movies are related to my course -- psychology.

Something about Schizoid

About a savant autism brother who changes his recent met brother's life. Sweet~

The female character- Alex shows borderline personality traits! Cool~

Well, I bet some of you already know about this series~ Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder

Guess what, apart from having my new phone (actually my mum's) N95 (right), my dad bought a book lamp for me,it is very cute. A hint from him to ask me to STUDY HARDER I supposed.

Lets see what I need now.. I need a bag with wheels so my heavy loads that I usually carry to school dont further hurt my back.
A roller backpack they termed it..

AND I NEED a printer as well.....

I've been listening to his songs recently, and he rocks~ I love country singers. You should try listening to his songs~ Totally Awesome.

OK, back to monkey business, you know what~ what Miss Juida said is rather true, I think I should start another blog, just blog about psychology stuff. I mean psychology is really unknown in Malaysia. Tsk Tsk. I would love to share my knowledge with interested readers out there.. Whatdoya think eh? I am not a pro, but hey, i can contribute something to the body of knowledge too~ Everyone is a contributor, so... what say you?

Whao~ gasp~ I better do my work now~ I totally forgot about tomorrow's tutorial, seems like i really cant escape huh?

hehe.. till then.. bye bye.. XoXoxOXOxoo

WISH I AM MUCH SMARTER... prodogies~

Hours, what you do with your hours?

2010-04-08T11:20:00.000-07:00

5 hours of nap, 0 hours of study, 5 hours net browsing, 4 hours of crap, doing nothing with friends, 1 hour of blogging, 3 hours munching on junks + toilet trips.. What a day~ what a "~~productive~~" day.

Lets check my upcoming assignments or homework.. well, I need some stress in order to kick my own ass to actually DO SOMETHING..

12 April ~''~''~'' Biopsychology ---- Prepare for tutorial week 13 and decide research topic for b.psy

13 April ~''~''~'' M & E ---- Must study for EOS (I can't rem what I studied.. !!!)

14 April ~''~''~'' Adolescence ---- Must study for EOS (I didn't even touch this subject.. !!!) + tutorials ?!

15 April ~''~''~'' Personality ---- Role Play (NO PLANS.. kanasai !) EOS ?! mampus~

16 April ~''~''~'' R. Method ---- Tutorial *Damn it* EOS?! I dont even know what this sub is about!

23 April ~''~''~'' Biopsychology ---- Clinical Review (No progress)

24 April ~''~''~'' Muet test ---- Writting, reading, listening (7:30am) So SCARED!

4 May ~''~''~'' Muet test ---- Speaking (7:30am) HELP ~ ~ ~

10 May EOS ---- BIOPSYCHOLOGY

11 May EOS ---- ADOLESCENCE

12 May EOS ---- MOTIVATION AND EMOTION

13 May EOS ---- PERSONLAITY

14 May EOS ---- RESEARCH METHODS

TIM, YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ~

Those highlighted words must be removed, TIM DO it NOW.. ARGH~ ROAR~

On second thought, i shall sleep first.. hahaha..

Ps: E.Y.C... i need to have a term and condition thingy with you ~ HELP HELP

FATTY BOMB BOMB

2010-04-04T06:09:00.000-07:00

"Gosh, Tim...You are so slim"
"Aiya, you so thin... you wont grow side ways AT ALL no matter how much you eat"
"Man~ How do you stay so thin?"
"So lean lar you~"

Well, I am now going to say that I AM NO LONGER THOSE Statements ABOVE.
Dont believe? These LIMITED EDITION Pictures will tell you.

Left view

Front view

Right view

You see~ Like pregnant for two months.. Not with a foetus, but with meat, vege, and benda-benda fattening.. F**k..

Oh well, I dont really need to be ANGRY..~~of course I am not~~.. people.. view this blog after 3weeks.. slim tummy A.S.A.P promised.

So, now i have a goal.. TO BE A BULIMIC.. HAHAHAHA

What do you think?

2010-04-03T03:29:00.000-07:00

What do you think of my new blogger template?
I changed the layout ^^ urgh~ What an EMO blog I used to have.

Now... I would like to wish all of you~

HAPPY EASTER DAY (even though is rather early to post it now)

God's blessings poured upon me, I've met three famous chiropractors. They had decided to treat me, and I felt much better eversince they laid their healing hands on me through God's grace.

Hopefully,God's blessings can also help me in my studies. Alright~ more upcoming post next time. Tim needs to study.. really NEED TO STUDY.. I dont know how many time I've said it.. ~~hopefully~~ this time is for real.. HAHAHA..

till then...

XoXoXooxOXoooxX

Whines

2010-03-01T06:24:00.000-08:00

I crawled slowly into my bed, put my hands together, closed my eyes and prayed. I said a little prayer to God, wondered whether... this time.. this time... will I get what I want..

I've tried to hold my tears, but I no longer can. I wondered why do I need to put up with all these. I have backpain, kneepain, uterus positioned forward, and... here comes eczema (Thank God, is only for a short period of time), added to my medical conditions. I hate pills, I hate greasy creams to stop all the ill-symptoms, I hate it all !! All previous treatments failed. Chiropractic, Burnt herbal patched on skin, icky stinky herbs to drink, hypnosis, streching methods, water treatment..whatever.. Doctors seem to think that they had "cured" me by prescribing pain killers. I don't get it.. They did'nt get rid of the pain, but only STOP the inflamation, the problem is still there!!!
Stop giving me PAINKILLERS...

Arcoxia 90 -120mmg
Cereblex 200mg
Poston 50-500mg

I am sorry liver or kidney..

I betrayed you.

I hope you guys are okay.

I dont think I can sign you guys up for organ donor.

And Mum, I dont see the reason I have to take these everyday..

Evening Primose Oil
Iberet Folic - 500mg
Lady Secret Key (2sachets)
Liver Guard *This I know why I need to take*
Salmon Fish Oil
Calcium tablets

It is because I have different skin rash all over my body, I have certain type of cream to apply it in certain area, sometimes, I applied wrongly because there is too much treament cream, and I forgotten which is for which... haha

Elosone - for ezcema
Ecocort - inhibits fungal growth
Cetaphil - Rapid healing for skin damaged
Pristinex - fungal infections

Sometimes, I had weird pre-mestrual cycle syndrome,so I am off to...

Fukole 150mg (Antifungal Agent) weak immune system

~~Supplements/vitamins~~, medicines. When I am free from all these?

When can I bend or straigthen up my back with no pain?

When can I lie down or get up from bed at times and dont weep?

When can I step up fleet of stairs and complain no pain?

When can I walk properly with no jerking movements?

When can I have a normal period with no monthly injections?

When can I not scratch my skin till it bleeds?

When can I wear sleeveless shirt when all dry-flaky skin are gone?

I may no longer run as fast I used to be..or have beautiful complexion..I dont mind anymore.. but what I demand is healing.. I want to go through my daily routine smoothly. So.. please, help me..will YOU?

Torn Apart

2010-02-18T00:12:00.000-08:00

The pile of books.. thicken by dust. The clean notes... no scribbles. The datelines to submit my reports are getting nearer. I am drowning in my own guilt - for not doing a good job. I brought back my study materials, but I did not even flip a page.

Thursday is bout to end. I had no choice, I need to stay up today. I truly know that the longer I dont flip those materials, the more I will pile it up, and the more my anxiety is going to grow till I barely breathe.

Nobody is going to disrupt my plans for tonight and tomorrow. I truly need this, and YOU - the devil can't stop me.

Modules Datelines *starting from Week 7* :
M & E - Oral Presentation + Report
Adolescent - Essay on Adolescent behavior
Personality - Lab Report
R. Method - R. A. TEST + Proposal
BioPsych - Presentation + Proposal

I am so scared and depressed, not to mention.. I feel stress too!

Lets see...

The Angel wants to study, the Devil wants to Relax. These two are always fighting in my decision makings

The Devil has many other friends (temptations) to defeat the Angel

So.. I need God's help

TO GET RID OF MY TEMPTATIONS !!

But I need to Help myself, God gave me chances, I turned them down. So I need to help myself.

I am always running away from HIM, when He offers HELP

Lets see.. How Tim overcome her temptations later. Will She Study later at night and tomorrow? We will see.

There's this girl in the mirror, I wonder who she is. Sometimes I think I know her and sometimes I wish I did. There is a story in her eyes, lullabies, and goodbye. When she's looking back at me I can tell...she's hurting inside.

She can't hide no matter how hard she tries, her secret disguised behind the lies. And kkat night she cries away her pride, with eyes shut tight staring at her inside. she's got to do is stop kiddin herself. She can only fool herself for so long

Jemima Jones - I love U. I want to be you.

2010-02-09T06:30:00.000-08:00

I feel so guilty. I promised myself that today ~~I AM GOING TO STUDY~~. However, I was so caught up with "Jemima Jones", every page just kept motivating me to read on to see what happen next. God, this author (Jane-Green) is bloody awesome!

You know what, I just cant believe that this time, my diet (slimming plans) didn't stop half way. Okay~ Well, here and then I did munched on chips, I did drank carbonated drinks, I did eat a bar.. er.. bars of chocolate. But hey, I really manage to cut down on food. On top of that, I really did exercise! But, is never enough. Maybe because beneath my so-called slim body, I still think I am the old Timmy - The fat little girl back in Primary School. The lil girl who often got teased and no friends to play with. The reason I strived hard to become the so-called acceptable body range is to fit in this freaking stereotype minded society. *Gulps* If you know me, you would just say.. "Thats enough, you are already thin, no more fats to loose". Sorry to dissappoint you, I think I still got chunks of meat to throw away. Yes, I took it for granted back then (after I slim down x) ), I used to wear a 25/26 inch waistline. Now I am a XX ? My M-sized clothes changes to a L-size? I am so noticeable till comments such as: Hey, you've gotten chubbier"? No way, I ain't wanna be back old lil Tim.

Is actually quite true that physical appearance (may) determine your fortune. Plus, I am striving hard to loose MORE WEIGHT, after reading "Skin Deep" and "Jemima Jones". Those characters in the books reinforce my motivation to shed off fats.

Guys judge beauties, Employer judge your looks, Passer-by checks out your body, Bitches judges your chothes. Everywhere we go, there will be impressionS forming.

I realised that when few days ago...

Random Senior: Hey Tim
Me: Ya? Hello
Random Senior: Are you feeling sick or something?
Me: Nope, I am fine
Random Senior: Oh~ Hey why you dressed so... er.... from "home"?
Me: I like being comfortable.

See that? Because you want to be comfortable, you dressed slightly baggy, still conforming the dress codes, but, some random people will walk up to you to give you UNECESSARY COMMENTS. Still, the society is the one making people like me.. want to be pretty, well-groomed, slim, gorgeous, sexy, classy. You name it.

It drives a casual, fashion clueless, blah blah blah people like me... to.. want to.. PROVE YOU WRONG THAT... you have NOT SEE THE OTHER SIDE OF ME. Grrr... Sigh? In the end, what do I have to show? Flabs and Chunks of meat? Hahahaha.

Anyway, I guess I wont change much. Then again, why must I change because of your expectations? But, to prove you wrong.. Miss XXXXX and others... I will to emerge from my comfort shell to show you my dynamite. Then.. You guys will FINALLY SHUT UP.

Pieces of twerpies-ness

2010-01-30T05:43:00.000-08:00

I finally knew why I was moody and lack of interests in whatever I tried to do. My menstration was delayed for almost a week! Finally, I was relieved that it came, on the other hand, I hated it because of the pain I need to go through.
Well, like any teenagers, I need to go through stress in studies and some other matters. But, i guessed I am coping well. I think. x)

BUT I STILL NEED MOTIVATION ! AND ENCOURAGEMENT ! Does anyone want to be my pushing force? *hints*

Okay~ I knew i need to study instead of spending my time blogging here. Teehee~ God~ I felt sorry for myself.

Now, *drum rolls* I spent rm90 for these books.
Ugh~ Can't wait to read'em all ! But i knew that i am FALLING WAY BACK if i dont study. Sigh~

Besides, this manga totally rock! The title is called "CUTIE BOY" *sways*

Ok, now.. Whispers~
Say I am jealous or what-so-ever. (0-o)???

Isn't it normal for any girls to doubt of just curious if your bf hang-out alone with just ONE girl? It will be worse if that girl is smacking hot ! Is not that I dont trust him, I will be JEALOUS. Hell no, I gonna say: Dear, I dont like u socializing with her alone, I am jealous. Argh~ Sounded like an idiotic mushroom brainess twerp yo! Duh~ is not like my bf cheats on me, He woud'nt dare. *smickles*

Is it not right to not trust your bf just a lil? Sometimes, it is just a form of wanting to protect ourselves from being hurt AGAIN. Besides, I told him friggin everything that was going on in my life. I never hid anything from him. That lil NOT-TRUST, was thinking bout what would he do if he were to be ALONE with ONE GIRL. Again~ You name it, jealousy, envious.

Perhaps, i am just a lil selfish~ Boohoo... I sounded like some wicked witch ! EEEeekk~ Argh, he would'nt knew why I was unhappy bout this ALONE with a girl idea. Geeze~ my previous Ex two-timed me yo! So what could u expect? Again, is not that my bf would two-time me, is just that... maybe i just dont want to loose him, that why, I totally cant leave him ALONE with one girl.

Okay~ Enough of this ALONE WITH A GIRL thing.

I felt like buying a new contact lens. Just for beauty purposes. I noticed girls look more pretty with coloured lens. I love'em. I thought of these variations, which is nice eh?

Alrigh~ Time is up! hit the books. muaks..

Minutes Wasted, laughter not

2010-01-25T08:24:00.000-08:00

I was supposed to study to catch up with my previous UNTOUCH lectures. But, I guessed everyone deserve a somewhat B.R.E.A.K. right? ~~Excuses?~~ Nah~ Teehee~

I am so tired. Everyday there will be presentation, everyday there will be limited time spent for studies. Gah~ But I just really can't afford to waste my parent's effort, I really need to STUDY. The day after tomorrow will be my Adolescent module presentation. I am so NERVOUS. It is assessed which makes my adrenaline pumped crazily.

However, I had fun today. I joined some of my classmates to the nearby park to exercise. Fuuh~ Long time never work out, today seriously drained my energy. Speaking of which, I noticed I easily hungry. Funny was, I just ate a meal and I can be hungry after 1hr?? Gosh~ Instead of loosing fats, I am establishing good connection with it!

Aiyor, You know what, I think I've got limbs coordination problems. I dont know why, whenever I am near someone, especially my close friends, I kept ACCIDENTALY hit their Boobies. Haha.. I wanted to apologize but I was laughing my ass out. Luckly, they were VERY OPEN. teehee~ *shrugs*

I want to watch TOOTH FAIRY. I heard that its a nice show. Sigh~ I am just looking out for ~~FREE TIME~~.

In addition, I want to watch anime as well! But, I only scared that I will neglect my studies. So I would choose not to, but watch only on HOLIDAYS.

Argh~
I cant log into facebook! Shit~

O_0 I am irritated!

Okay, I shall focus on stg positive. Or maybe think of what stupid actions I did.

THE LITTLE THINGS !

When my bf sleep next to me, i like to use my 2 fingers and twitch his shirt.
I love my bf because he is so pug-gish. hahaha...
I laughed whenever I accidentaly hit people's boobies, BOOBIES have a great elasticity than football.
I thought orgasim was a abbrv for organism.
I talked to myself and I loved it, because there is no one to argue on my statements.
I dripped my dog's ear infection treatment onto my grandma's recovery eyes. LoL.
I wore a guy's boxer before. EeeeeeeeK.
I thought of chewing paper with notes, I will be more got clever, ended up I've got diarrhea.
I dreamt bout a cutie hot guy in my dream, ended I was late for my class. STUPID.
I farted on my cous soft toy accidentaly when I was young, i recalled she does't know and still sniffted it. hahahaha.

Ok, i shall sleep now.

Am I alone? or with you?

2010-01-24T02:59:00.000-08:00

The Someone told me that I did not blog for days/months. *Shrugs* Can busy be an excuse? or maybe lazy. xD

Obviously my SEM breaks are over and I am back to my dull study environment. I seriously dislike the new timetable, it is more towards self-directed learning which I am SOOOO not used to it, and I am really trying my best to cope with it. In addition, I had difficulties dealing with people, perhaps I am just too coward to defend for myself. Therefore, I ended up despair and angry at myself.

Perhaps, I felt emotionally-unsecure, that is why I felt irritated, moody and sad at times. Perhaps study stress or other factors sucessfully invaded my comfort zone. Sigh~ so-called studying psychology to understand people's behavior and mental processes, more like I need to be studied instead.

I felt sad at times because I coudn't achieve what I aimed for. When I thought that I did work hard enough, the results were unsatisfying. I will eventually work even harder, ended up mentally and physically exhausted. Gosh~ it seems challenging myself is even harder compared to others.

I reflected back the moments I had arguments with my parents. I realised I was not mature enough. Perhaps thats why, I always got naggings and scoldings from people around me. I wondered why, why do they sometimes can't see how much I am trying, how much I pleaded for help when I am alone in my room, how much I want approval from them.....How much I am struggling..

At 6:30pm..
Here I sat quietly in my bro's room. I took a glance at my father who was soundly asleep. I looked at him, and i whispered to myself..

Dad, you've added a few wrinkles on your face.

Dad, you are balding.

Dad, your face showed how tired you were...

Dad, I think its been a long time since I looked at you, and say Thank-You for everything you've done.

Mum..... as usual, worked through her bones to make the house clean and spotless. But, I noticed how hard she was trying to maintain it, she won't whine like a baby like I do when she injured herself. I saw her taking my pain-killers, why does she need to put up that strong image all the time?

I felt utterly guilty, hopeless.. for not doing my best. How and what should I do?

Now way I am giving up that easily. I'll srtive harder in my studies to not let them down..I will.. I will..

Now, I feel more motivated. Papa-mama, I love you.

Putting that aside, I need to be grateful to someone silently helping me throughout this journey. That person go through the hassle to get my things done. Regardless what freak wheather it was, that person will drive from a distance to calm my restless soul. Thanks..dear..

God, I love you for bringing me these wonderful people into my life.

Argh~ sniffs.. emo-nya saya..

I shall blog more happy stuff eh? loves

DayCareEve

2009-12-31T08:51:00.000-08:00

The SOOOooo Adorable Boys

Hao and his lil brother Shern

I just love this cute brothers

The boys doing their break dance. ~~More like ALMOST breaking their bones~~.

Btw, Vincent (Left) and Kai Zhi (Right)

The only girls in the EduCare.

From Left to Right: Zoe Yi, Wan Qi, Crystal & Zhi Lin

The "cheerleading" pose?

From Left to Right: Jii Cheng, Kai, Ms Lim, and Luqman

Kheir Chien~ Kecoh lah~

~~Despite the one in the middle~~, Dont you dare say this two boys are not cute! haha, just kidding.

Ms Lim, I think Shern is afraid of you~

Aww~ My "mother-ly" picture is better than you, Ms Lim. haha.

I just love Shern's elder brother, Gah~ Why are you 10 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME ?!

LOOK AT THE CAMERA! FOCUS! I think I've told you to stay focus in my class too!

Qi, Crystal, Kher Chien and Hui San.

Crystal, U drinking STARBUCKS?

Front Squad (L -R) Daniel, Anson, Vincent and Crystal

Back Stand (L - R) Shern, Hao, Jii Cheng, Kai, Wendy, Zhi Lin, Luqman, Zoe Yi and Desmond

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ANSON !

My first student, Weng Jae

One of the teachers in the centre, Kher Chien

Me and the Monkey, Vincent. Not to forget, Kher Chien's finger =.='''

I spent my at home blogging bout this on NEW YEAR'S Eve. Well, I heard the fireworks blasted out just now, so I might as well say..

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I spent my new year's eve working in the daycare centre. It was my last day, I cant be certain that I will be resuming this job when I've got the next semester break. I actually had a lot of fun working here with the kids, but I do realised that there is a lot of work to do as well. Perhaps I will reconsider my decisions.

Today's chapter: Going McD With The Kids

Since the number of kids are more than the teachers, we actually need to split ourselves into groups to squeeze into four seperate cars. The funny thing is that, instead of taking orders by the counter, we took our orders via McD's Drive-through ---- just to get McD's apple pie.

When everthing settle down, we head up to the playground section and begin the fiesta. I saw Hao and Shern sitting alone, so I decided to join this two adorable boys. ~~IS NOT ON PURPOSE.~~

The funny Scene:

Hao was munching on his fries, but he kept starring at me! So I asked him if he needs anything. He shook his head and continue his "starring game". I felt weird, then I starred back at him. And here is the conversation~

Hao: Hehehe~ You look very cute, that's why I kept smiling.

Tim: Hey, You only enrolled in this centre for three days. You haven't see my worst side being a teacher.

Hao: I dont know why, you just look cute ^^

I somehow felt proud of myself because I've got compliments from a lil boy. But, I felt that things went a bit weird..

Ohya, I have no idea why later on he became my " bf " ~~LONG STORY~~.

Anyway, he start holding my hand, sort of "protecting" me when we crossed the road *note that I am like.... 4 head plus taller than him?!* , saying naive stuffs like....

when we walk down the stairs.. he stopped and said..

Hao: Is your fault, I cant concentrate walking down the stairs..

Okay~ That's funny...

Vincent also another weird one, he is just the same like Hao. He keeps hug me from the back. Is kindda embarrassing~ He is not short but tall for his age. So...ya.. hmm... But anyway, is sooooo sweet when the kids said they miss you. Awww~ this coming tues, i will definitely visit them.

Geeze, i do realised after working at the daycare, it sort of bring out my "motherly-instinct"

hahaha..

Once again, HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL.

Upsize

2009-12-18T08:24:00.000-08:00

I don't know what got into me, ~~but I am so firm that~~ I MUST DIET and EXERCISE. I am also absolutely positive that my weight is increasing at an alarming state.

At first, I thought that the weighing machine was not working. That didn't bother me much until I heard comments stating that (Tim, you're getting chubbier.. Whoa~ Whats up with your layer of fats?... Hey, U changed a lot, more MEAT than last time.) I AM FAT.

Not so pleasing after all. It really crushed my spirits into pieces when I kept hearing people going to gym, getting satisfactory results and playing sports. I am happy for them. I do knew that what u paid for, you will get what you yearn for. However, I envied them as well.
I cant afford to play sports or hit the gym at this time, I've got that F*** up back problems. Instead of getting my sport shoes on and run the fields, I spent hours sitting doing paper works. Thats where all my muscles turned into FATS. My metabolism died down and I am GROWING UPSIZE. No more fancy cute lil tops or dresses.

When I observed myself at the mirror, I felt angry and sad. When I Look at foods, i gradually learnt to hate them. I turned them into my enemies. On top of that, I bought loads of slimming products. I bought three friggin items which I dont even know if it works!
Since I cant exercise like I used to, I dont bother much about consuming these items.

I bought these....

Many said it does wonders for those who wants big bust, I thought I will try it.

And this..

I ate this at night..since my stomach is the biggest concentrated lump of fats.

And this..

Its natural all right, my favorite. Detox and Slimming in a combo package.

On top of that, I limit my food intakes. I could easily finish up two plates of rice, but I choosed not to.

I guess is a good start. Hitting down the gym is rather costly, so I rather kick my lazy ass up in the morning and run like a mad women in my park.

Challege, here I roar...

Moments of thoughts

2009-12-14T09:24:00.000-08:00

Firstly, I would like to say that the post on my birthday celebration will be posted in the next update. That will be a jovial and happy post to read about. But now, I would like to blog something probably more of emo/serious matter.

Sometimes, I felt that as if I did the right thing but it ended up worst. For some situation, I thought that somehow my decision was right, but I ended up hurting people's feelings. I supposed that when it come to certain situation, I am a coward to stand up for my rights, letting history to be rewrite and replay again. Allowing myself to feel pity and guilty and sobbed over my wrong-doings.
Bravery wasn't in my nature at all. I often escape from problems and try to stay put in my very own comfort zone. Probably thats why I never learn my mistakes, I never know what my problems are, because I am the one that always creates it.

I recalled Pastor David once said that We Must Always Hear What God is Trying to Say, but Hearing itself is Not Enough, We must Act it Out. The He gave an example of taking swimming lessons. Even though we knew the techniques of how to swim but we dont apply it, it will be pointless. It is equivalent to a scene where you will drown if you don't apply what you've learnt. However, I felt that listening to what God say is hard at times because I am always bounded by temptations. Plus, how would I know if that was really God's message?

On top of that, how to forgive and forget about people who have hurt you over and over again? I tried reminding myself for whatever reason a situation occured, God have HIS purpose. A TEST he gave to test what we learnt from him as a disciple so far. I think I failed miserably. I dont know the reason neither.

At times, I felt that I am dumb to trust people that all the bad things about them gossiped by people are not true. Reality, after being a victim, experiencing hurt, anger, sad feelings, that these people causes us to experienced, only then I came to realised I WAS TOO NAIVE.

Along this journey, I do learnt something. Not everyone you are able to trust. Things changes according to time, so as human beings. The attitudes, characteristics, values of a person changes from now and then. It is undeniable right?

I want to add that woman are not sex slave. We are unique individuals. I dont understand why man dont perceived woman as HUMAN. Some guys just like to blab out how they HAD FUN with their gf. This is another form of not respecting woman's right. Sexual Harrasment often occured because guys believed that woman are weak and are not able to defend themselves.
I hate guys who act like this. I despised them.
Why cant they take into account about woman's FEELINGS?

Sometimes, I wonder why am I living here. When we are born, we have no anger, sad feelings. But after we adapt or grew up in this environment only we know what ANGER, SAD, DISAPPOINTMENT feels like. So why and what is the purpose of all these?
Then, what is the point of living when you knew that sooner or later you are leaving?

I wonder until now, what i've done in my life.. is it right or wrong. Because life always have two options. Two roads.. either a YES or a NO. If you've made an option saying Yes to someting, from that split second it changes your pathway, the other option that is not considered will died off. We cant turn back time cant we? There is only moving on.

Now, am I ready to move on to face my situations? I guessed so. I am ready.

I just need Abit of my Blogging time

2009-11-30T04:20:00.000-08:00

Before I start complaining, I would like to claim that Edward Cullen and Jacob Black is SUPERBLY HOT.

Edward Cullen. I would love to have you as my vampire boyfriend.

We could stay up all night and gaze into each other's eyes and....hehe

If not.... I can be your dinner, even best! We are immortal!

Ohya, i would never forget my dearest Jacob Black

I would like to keep you by myside so that when I am in danger, you turn into werewolves and flash your topless mascular body.. Hahaha.. Sound so pervertish~

I love Alice Cullen too! Pretty~

By the way, I love Alice Cullen (Ashley Greene) Especially her hairstyle. Do you think I would best suit this if I were to cut my hair this way? Teehee~ A desperate need to change my hairstyle.

Okay, here is my etc etc etc of unhappiness..

I dont like working after all. It drained every last bit of my energy, it is only the salary part is exceptional. I felt my boss is FULLY ultilising me like nobody's business. Well, is nice that I could actually help them out, but it wasn't unfair because I am now preparing work for teachers that are going to teach new students next year! Isn't that their job and not mine?

However, I have to stick through it. After all, this world is a place with no JUST. Justice is determined by how you fought through those harsh currents.

Felt like getting these books to read. Anyone want to get in for me? Hint Hint~ But let me know if you get it ya.. Haha. Till then.. off to daycare work loads.

The Twilight series. Nah~ Maybe I will just wait for the next movie to be out instead.

Procrastinating DayCare work

2009-11-27T23:25:00.000-08:00

My hair is a mess. I really need a haircut, the last I cut my hair was somewhere in July. My curls are turning straight, the dye of my hair colour is fading. I need a HAIRCUT.

I thought of changing my hairstyle. From young till now, I always maintain my long hair. I had long black hair, long brown hair, long curly hair. Haiz.. Now what? I thought of cutting it short, but I'm afraid it doesn't suits me. Here are some pictures of short hairstyles. I love them, but I dont know what suits best.

Bob middle-length short hair?

Short hair with brown dye?

Punky-emo short hair? With suitable dye?

Typical school girl cut? This is a short clean cut =p

This is another similar hair cut, but different in length. I like it too!

How bout this? I think it will make me look younger!

Any suggestions?

I finished reading my previous story book, now I want these !! MPH is giving these books in a package of 3! Nice pricing, but I am broke. Sigh~ Aint no idea why I am so into child abuse books. Teehee.
There are few stuffs which I want.. but i think is too much to name it! I think even my current salary are not able to buy all my WANTS.

I thought of resuming my guitar lessons. Haiz. No more dance class anymore. Next year I must, and I shall go and fulfill my needs! wakakaka.

Haiz. Now holiday, it doesn't seems like a holiday to me, I still have to teach and prepare daycare works for those children. I wanted to study abit of next year syllabus so next year it will be easier for me. Back to work. Sucks.

Next year, I dont want to work at the daycare anymore. I want to work somewhere else la. Haha. Perhaps as a helper in a clinic. Sounds nice, but risky. Argh~ Anyhow more updates next blog. Need to take nappy. I shall do my work at night la. Procrastinating..........
Muaks.. bloggy..Lazzzzzy me.

Midnight raider

2009-11-24T09:26:00.000-08:00

When you read this.. It means that EXAM IS OVER.

It would be so nice or perhaps miracle.. that all my grades are... hehe ^^

Of course all these last minute work I did, I dont even dare to think bout it. I promised myself, next sem.. No more of this is gonna happen.. Reading exam materials the night before to take the exam tomorrow seriously freaks me out. Never will I do that Again!
Guess What, I am now working! At times, I felt that I should be having fun and enjoy random things I like to do. However, this can't be done, because I seriously need $$$$.

Tsk Tsk...

How I wish I have $$$ millions in my account !

Then I could.....

Shop for CHRISTMAS

Pay for my own classes

Buy a new powerless contact lens

Buy myself some good story books to read during this holiday

Argh~ Is just wishes anyway

Lets not talk bout work, lets talk bout my..... UN-FULFILLED NEEDS.

Wuwuwuwu, i really want to learn Rhumba or ChaCha. Basically any Social Latin dance will do.

But my parents aren't very supportive. Lets put in it this way... THEY ARE IGNORING ME.
Gah~ If i have my very own car, transportation wouldn't be a problem. But i think i would need a GPS.

If i have enough $$$, learning wouldn't be a problem as well.

Bought myself a new book recommended by my Eng Teacher, cant wait to read what is it about.

*****************************

There are cases at home as well lar... Can you believe there is a wild animal roaming around my house? I seriously friggin scared man !! Look at the ceiling !! My dad even set up the cage to trap it, but it is nowhere to be seen! As if it is still around, but.. CLUELESS.

Looking at my poor ceiling

A more closer view

The set up of the cage by daddy.. Haiz..Dad, seriously it wont work la..

The suspected animal as described by mum..some fox cat-like figure.

******************************

There are stg I wanna tell, but next time la.. Need to sleep already.. 3am already.

Little Shadow of secrets

2009-11-11T18:31:00.000-08:00

Today will be my last day staying over at dear-dear house. Even though I have not pack my bags and head home tonight, I felt that I'll definitely miss this family.

Uncle is so caring

He prepared breakfast+lunch+dinner for me EVERYDAY!
He is SUPERBLY CONCERNED if u dont eat enough. Instead eating a normal portion, *if u know me, i do eat alot* he would TAMBAH BANYAK BANYAK for me. Hmm,it seems that i am eating more than i am studying.
He talked to me alot.. hmm, communicating with him makes me realized how naive I was if i dont think twice before commiting an action.

Aunty is so lovable <3

The way she talks to me is so gentle, and sweet. She is just sooOOO wonderful

Sigh~ I looked at her, then I'll think of my mum. Deep down i think to myself, no matter how bad my relationship & my mum is.. Deep down i know she still loves me.

Dear-dear... *drum rolls* My Everything.

He is so great because he plays many roles. He is superman! *Hopefully he dont read this*
He is a teacher, because he is a proofreader for my h/w
He is a doctor, because he mends my heartache, my medicine for my hopeless spirit
He is a taxi driver, he knows lot of road for shortcuts, send me to my destination in a short period of time.
He is an entertainer, he is soooo lame at times, that i dont know if i should laugh or not.
He is WONDERFUL GOD'S CREATION

Ok. I hope he dont read this. Because i dont like to praise him in reality.

Alright, one thing i would like to highlight is I NEED TO WORKOUT! Argh, the weighing machine stated that
FAT TO LOOSE: 5.9 KG

DAMN~~ DAMN~~ No way! well, the way i eat is... shall not mention

Looking at myself.. I grew sideways already. My pants also ketat. I MUST CHANGE~

My konon ideal-self~ haha

Aiks.. Exam is like is FEW MORE DAYS.......................
Felt that lot of books also HAVEN'T TOUCH! I felt at times I am not productive enough!

I am easily distracted as well.

Sleepiness just loves to find me when I am spending quality time with MY BOOKS

Not only that, i am experiencing cognitive dissonance. To study or play?

Id VS Superego

Ok. enough complaining, back to BOOKS..

Tim Tim must GAMBATEH !! ACE ACE ACE ! YEAH! Must have DETERMINATION!

TIM NEEDS THE POWER!!!

Make a change in me.

2009-11-09T13:08:00.000-08:00

Crazy lar.. Its like 5am in the morning, I cant sleep. Even though m now sleeping next to my beloved "teddy"

My mum is bringing me headache, i felt that she should be supporting me, encouraging me, understanding in my situation, but she always erupted before i explain anything or even when i commited a lil mistake.. Fine, it was a big mistake. Dont felt like mentioning it as well, rather depressive. Dear-dear, daddy and my teacher were there to comfort me when I cried heavily that day.

My mum seems irrational at times, it was like mentally torturing to be with her every minute. Nothing i can do to please her, nothing i do that can make her felt proud of, I was being compared time to time, she blames literally every single thing on me. Even others can see her doings are hurting me day by day.. I am sick and tired of it.. Just leave me alone. I have my finals coming up, i need to run away, but where to?

Leave me alone.. For a moment please..

But thank God, Dear's family allowed me to stay in for few days secretly without mummy's knowing. I studied and carried on my normal routine as if i am at home.

My secret, but i felt i am hurting everyone in my life.. Including mummy..

I cant describe how grateful i was in their family acceptance, all i prayed and said to myself is.. I WONT DISAPPOINT U GUYS.. BECAUSE I WANT A CHANGE IN ME.

That day became a turning point in my life. I swore i would change my attitude. I went to church on Sunday, Rev. said stg VERY MEANINGFUL. I dont if i am supertistious or what ever u called it, that day, those words really had an impact on me.

She said, we should be like a pencil. *forgotten some key points*

We leave tracemark behind, each meaningful and significant in our life. We let God - our manufacturer to use us to bring a change in us, but first we have to change ourselves first. Is not about how fancy u are on the outside, is what inside that counts. The pencil lead is the most important thing in a pencil.
Pencil goes through the pain sharpenning process, but it is worthy.. Even those painful things hurt u, but it makes u stronger.

MJ's Man in the Mirror lyrics clearly depicts the message =)

Is like, these few days, i've been experiencing chronic pain in my lower back, and i dont know what i could possibly do. Treatments have been stopped for couple of months, and i cant always rely on painkillers can I?

Felt like doctors are surronding me in my thoughts.. haunting me with comments.. I am scared.. really scared...

Study is a must.. i need to work hard.. must be more productive.. Few hours is not enough.. Must work through it for my own success.. May God Blessed me.
Then again, after all i've been through, i guessed God will protect me somehow... He would and will.. He surely heard my callings and sensed my tears which is sent to heaven as well...
Lord, give me strength and determination.. cure me.. save me.. Just like u healed the Blind Man. Change me, because I am willing to change for the Better..

PS: mummy, i love u.. a whole lot, dont hurt me anymore... I will do well, i promised.. i will... i will..

Confession of a Last-Minute prisoner of IMU student.

2009-10-31T03:16:00.000-07:00

I miss you.................

Holding hands together.. Jalan-jalan without worrying tomorrows responsiblities.. Those days..

But now................ This cant do anymore.. Exams exams and exams... Gah!

I cant believe End of Semester (EOS) exam is round the corner.

I felt very...
Stress.. Frustration... anger...restless..anxiety...fear...

Ya, the picture shows it all.

I hate it alot when I dont prepare much. Is always last minute work I am doing. My report that was submitted days ago, and my crappy presentation I presented yesterday clearly reveals my "lousy-time-management" skills.

In my world, I always live with the... "I could have done better, only if......"

Regret regret regret regret regretDatelines of assignment were given to us much earlier, question is.. with the dateline given, do you even know how to start off with? It wasn't students fault to hand up a so-called "I hope this will do" assignment, I felt lecturers should guide us to do our reports etc..etc.. Maybe is just me. So used to being spoon-fed, now I am completely sunk in my ocean of confussion.

I need motivation, inspiration, determination but not examination

Gah~ With major exams coming along, I still thinking bout holiday.

But to enjoy my perfect holiday with *ah-hem* teehee~ or with my family...

I really need to get my butt to stick on the chair to study real hard~Lord, I pray for determination! I really need to get through this.

I want FREEDOM !!!

I guess this can be my 2010 study motivation ^^

Study mode..Switched on.. Dear-dear.. thanks for the drinking bottle. Muaxs.. Lord.. Be with me.. Loves..

Simple acts, laughter cracks

2009-10-21T07:08:00.000-07:00

The reflection of L-o-V-E

My Cheeky Monster.. =P

It all started off with a cup of Grande Caramel Machiatto

Then... with loads of midnight mission *completing daycare work*

Later with lots of tender care and spices added in the chapter of my lonely life,

Finally, a soft whisper.....saying.....................

"Be Mine'..

I m Yours. Jason M'raz.......................

An early dedication to...

2009-09-18T00:07:00.000-07:00

Thanks for...

being there for me.

going through all the hassles for me.

the abundant motivations

loves from you.

the encouragement & support

putting a smile on my face when I frown.

********************

I'm no longer seeing a lonely set of footprints down this lonely lane.. Because I think there is another set of footprints behind me.. which is silently guiding me through this rough moments of time I am facing..

Thanks.. Have a safe journey to PD.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As i looked through the pics I took in DayCare. I missed those cheeky fellows even more. Wondering how you guys been.. Hehe..

Gah~ Assignment is never ending, I shall say that my RAYA break is not bout enjoying, not spending time at all rather, I will spend it with piles of works.. Suckzz..

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Psychoz 109.
The HAPPY FAMILY. My seniors and my lecturers. (Obviously some are not in >.<)

Velocity

2009-09-09T05:38:00.000-07:00

Its been sooooo long i haven't updated this Lifeless Blog. According to Wen Jie (2009), stated that "also donno how u r doing, ur blog oso takder benda update". Haha, too much reports and assignment..So ya. Reason stated, that y u r viewing this *recent post* now.

So stress la being in IMU.

For next week..

Mon= Presentation + Written Essay (1500 words)
Tues=Infancy& Childhood Quiz
Wed= Presentation on Social Psy Ads
Thurs= Intro to Psy Quiz
Fri= Due date for Infancy & Childood (1500 words) REPORT.

To further add on the spices... All of these i mentioned are marks which will be encounted in my assessment !

Things are not going so smooth at the moment.

Firstly, there are issues at my rumah. Taknak Mention la, nanti I kena jikalau ni dibaca.. Next, my over piled up workloads are driving me nuts.. I am sleep deprived. Everyday, m struggling to combat with the sleepy devil inside me. Academic wise, I think m doing fine, but I need to work harder to get a higher distiction. Better A's that means...

Ohya.. My course mates are all great companions. But, I dont have any close friends, so Basically I am on my own Missions. I do hang out with them, but I prefered to hang out in the library to finish up my stuffs..

So I am not ANTI-SOCIAL ok!

So whats new?

I have joined a English Class to improve my language. I also joined Swimmming Class to improve my backache...

ps: I love you... I hope you know... I am always there for you.

Lord.. I need strength, courage, wisdom, faith and an optimistic mind to carry on with my life..

So thankful, that ... I am lucky in a way.. ^^

Sympathetic Nervous System Dysfunction

2009-08-19T21:38:00.000-07:00

Yucks.. Stress.. Assignment sucks la. Haiz. So far in IMU also ok-ok la.. Only some certain issues NOT GOOD..
Need to be Hyper
Need to deal with unresolved issues....

I.Murdered.U

2009-08-01T17:00:00.000-07:00

Currently in Uni, suppose to find very imp data but end up..*Taa-daa* Blogging. Aiyo. IMU really takder food,plus if u say.."Go mamak lar~" The "mamak" is only the 3miserable stall at front of my uni. SAD CASE.
Stressnya~
Dont feel like studying AT ALL. (Sei Lor) hahaha.

Proposal is a superbly NICE MOVIE. a must to watch la.

Yeer, to photocopy in IMU, u must 1st buy that PERMIT TO PHOTOCOPY CARD which cost RM25 ! WTF man~ Plus, paper is not provided ! IMU is like LOAN SHARK. Crap.

Okie, back to my black and white paper...
Study...

(T-T)

PS109

2009-07-17T05:15:00.000-07:00

Gah~ So frustrating! I cant log into the imu websites~ I cant download my notes. GGrr..
Orientation is so crazy, yet fun. So bored, tired. I am at home.. Thought i could print my stuff.. BUT~ Psssk Psssk. Blah~ Will upload more info when I remember bringing my camera there. Geeze~ I remember to bring my Cable, my charger but not my Camera.. What a noob la.

July 12-(18:30)

2009-07-10T03:33:00.000-07:00

Hello IMU, bye LiL'monster. Sobx Sobx

Holiday Programme

Jii Cheng, Bill, Wen Gene, Zhi Lin, Zhen Kuan & Daniel.
Haha~ They didn't know my camera was hid behind the books!Gotcha~

The 3monkeys
Left to Right: Wen Gene, Bill, Zhen Kuan

Happy Birthday to June's Monster. Haha xD

Afternoon Session

Front: Jolene & Zhi Lin
Back: Wen Gene & Yu Xuan

Zhi Lin & Sue Yi *Gah~ So cute lah this 2yr old*

Morning Session

Left: Luqman

Right: Jii ChengBuddy, I will always make you smile~

Daniel (Weng Jae)

Intelligence EduCare is where i worked for 3months,Only a short period of time, but it is worthwhile! You kids I will never forget.

Daniel, the youngest,

Jii Cheng the blurr king,

Luqman the fast learner,

Zhi Lin the caring one,

Jolene the cute princess,

Wen Gene the loud speaker,

Bill the funny joker,

Yu Xuan the weird monkey.
Dominic my science student.

I will always miss you guys. Gah~ Its very hard for me to tell you all last minute I'm leaving. Its even harder when the bright sunshine faces begin to cry and hold onto my sleves. I will definitely come back to visit all of u. *Tears*

Tomorrow is the The Day. IMU here i come. But, there are some things i need to settle. Firstly, not like other enrolled student, they have their registration package posted to their house. I didn't received mine! SO as bincang with the staffs kat IMU, I have to trouble my dad to settle it with me.

I really hope its going to be alright. I am sure it would be! Gah~ Lord! Be with me..

(Joshua 1:9)

Felt bit takut to stay kat hostel la. Sure gonna miss my family.Bye home-cook food, so long my seductive bed, farewell my midnight supper, saiyonara to.. etc,etc,etc~~

Oohhh~ Did I mentioned I have a new hairstyle? Kekeke.. Let me syok sendiri~

Before~...~...

Drum rolls... Tum-tum-tum-tum..... Taadaa~

After

Short post (^-^)v

2009-06-27T09:58:00.000-07:00

My blog look so dead. Watado? Internet rosak ma. Lets have a brief update la.

These few days...

My maid just ran away..
Stressing on how to set exam question for my students...
Excited ! For I'll be staying in campus. 1st time AAAaway from home.

These few months...

Slightly relaxing, no need work 2jobs.
Sleep deprived
having rashes.

I will upload some pics on my workplace. Hmm, I wonder how to deal with this new phone of mine.Wheeee~ Thanks Dad! (=.=) although is made frm China. Hahahaha.

10:00 PM

2009-05-06T22:41:00.000-07:00

So tiring. Geeze~ I worked average of 12hours per day! Somehow, due to my worsen back condition. I NEED TO QUIT my job. So I am.. Kinda emo in a way... I am quiting Starbucks! sobx sobs.. Is SOOOooo not easy to tell my manager that I wanted to quit. Damit! She treated me Friggin Nice~ I really hope I can just leave for good..But, according to the contract I signed I need to give 3 weeks early notice. So ya~~ Another 3 WEEKS to bare. I guess so..

Starbucks..I gonna miss...

The weird song

The fast pace and stressful moments of handling beverages

The fun partners the cool managers Verismo *the espresso machine*

The POS machine the preparation bases

The pastry case The Employee Beverage

Obviously some parts I didnt really like. For the on-going 3 weeks. I will snap pictures of my workplace..So..Just tengok gambar later la.Haha..

Hehe.. just a lil update! I went for my 2nd chiropractic treatment today! Er.. I can itz very very PAIN. Imagining that... U were placed on the long chair.. hearing relaxing music.. The doctor needs to adjust your bones..Without prior notice.. He TWISTED YOUR BODY POSTURE to CRACK YOUR BONES! *kluck-kluck-kluck...* Thats what u heard in the room.. The melody of your very own bones cracking. Ouch!

I bought some Mother's Day gift from Body Shop.. Thought of bringing the whole family go Makan "Siu Long Pao" kat Dragon I.Hmm..see 1st la..

Mum's Gift.. Sshhh....

Looks delicious eh~~

Faster July la. I really wanna get into UNI a.s.a.p! studying is Way Better than Working!
*Gulps* Tomorros is actually my MUET speaking Test. Kindda nervous o..

Anyhow I must *gambateh* Same goes to everything in my Life! Woot~

Luke 1:37

2009-04-24T00:13:00.000-07:00

Ya~ Its a bible verse.

The scripture said: For God nothing shall be impossible."

Somehow, as i am typing this post, I dont feel like as if I am going to cry or so. Somehow, there is one lil voice telling me that everything is going to be alright. Through God's Grace, I've met wonderful people in this period of time where I accepted blows after blows of hardcore events. To add on, I even somehow felt God is directing different people, different situation to tell me..

"Hang in there, be strong.. I am with you. Just trust in me.."

How did all these thoughts came along?

Well...since the GP at Gleneagles sort of DONO WHAT TO DO WITH my condition.. I seek for a chiropractor. I thought he could help me at first.

But... after analysing my previous MRI. He said.. I've got..

1) My bones shifted from my neck all the way to my tail bone. *A condition known as Skeleton Subluxation*
2) My tail bone is curved inwards instead of outwards.
3) My C-spine and T-spine Dysfunction.
4) One bone chipped off. *I knew that all along*

Out of sudden.. Instead of all the hope that I had..just crushed like THAT. I mean..
Lord, aren't YOU helping me? Why instead of something more overwhelming.. YOU gave me.. a so sudden report.

Anyhow I had a total of 7 x-rays. The report had sent to the chiropractor. This Wed is the day.. I know by all means.. whether that doc can cure me ornot.

I admited. I am depressed due to the fact that Doctors whom I seek for seems like tosing me here and there. Hey, I have feelings as well. I come to you guys for help!!

Geeze.. I got teased by my partners back at work. I felt hurt.. I am not some..

Fragile doll...

or....

Tulang sakit nanti putus FELLOW... etc etc..

Its sad.. But i believe I can find cure...Right?? right? right? Anyone?

Tomorrow is my MUET exam. Friggin scared.. Since I did not prepare much. haha..

God hlep me!! Help me!

Later I am going to christian homefellowship.. Nice eh~~ Hahaha..

God.. Help me throughout all this.. I need YOU, my HERO. *winks*

Back to studies....

Type-typo in Early April

2009-04-07T22:41:00.000-07:00

*IGNORE MY gramar, blah-blah errors* Ok, now I've been juggling with 2jobs at the same time. Both really drain the energy out of me. Well, I can say that my current lifestyle is becoming more crazier than a normal workaholic. L-O-L. At least on Sunday, I go church. At night *provided no work* I will be mamak-ing.

So How is my MAKING-ME-MAMPUS lifestyle going on so far?

-----------------------------------------------------

"Daycare Centre..."

Little kids, can be so adorable at times. But can be a real pain in the buttock! \(T^T)/

I dont understand why are they soOOO SCARED of the teachers in school. Not that they are E.T. Exceptional for some *Teehee*

They really can cry and sit on the floor..plead or even shout.. I really forced to tell lots of white lies to get them to school. Haiz, when i Watch him crying off to school really heartaches lo..Haiz..

-----------------------------------------------------

"Starbucks"

Old story. Not going to mention much lar~

Hmm... Actually work here kindda not THAT BAD. I get to "gei por" chat chat chat with customer. I just happen to make a new friend. Aint Gonna Reveal the NAMe.

--------------------------------------------------------

"Mamak-ing"

Always Jiunn Lung, Lun, WenJie & me. Wen Jie so sudden become LAME. I mean.. because he usually look friggin serious, so I didn't expect he had such a drastic lamo change. That NIGHT ---> After Teh Tarik

Here is what he asked me..

WJ: Do u know how to solve a rubic box *Watever u call that box*

Me: Nope..

WJ: The trick is to target on yellow colour first!

Me: ........ *Thinking*

WJ: Because Yellow is a sign a luck (-____-)''''''' Sweat Dropzzz

So bored.. God shall hint me what to do~ Inspirational Sesating Moments

Fine~ I shall Syok-Sendiri *click-catcha-click-cam*

Should I call?

Have a Break, Have a Chit-Chat *NAH~*

Aiya~ Tidur Only la.. Tomorrow working AGAIN.